* There are stairs. The good news is, my ass is already feeling the difference. Woot! The bad news is I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown from the stress of trying to keep my toddler from hurling himself all the way down them. And those are just the stairs to the upper floor! There are also stairs going down to the basement, a place I feel I need rarely go to but happens to have the washer and dryer in it. I don't let the kids on those stairs. I have to wait until I'm mostly certain they're not about to die on the other stairs, grab a basket of laundry and shut the door tight behind me before gripping the railing and carefully stepping down them.
* It's big. And drafty. So it's cold. Because it's oil heat. I know, we're insane. When I say WE I mean The Man. Apparently we've already consumed an INCH of oil. So I have to keep the heat down low. I dress myself and the kids in layers. I know I've mentioned I already did that in the warm house. My layering has reached new heights of lumpy frumpy craziness. It's bayad, people. I'm wearing fucking UNDERWEAR! Then when The Man gets home he happily builds a fire and we all huddle together in the living room like it's little house on the prairie! My gawd it's only October people! It's not even cold yet! The Man loves it of course. He has an internal furnace.
*I bake everyday now. For two reasons. ONE, it means I get to "slave" over a hot oven. Oh delicious hot air! Oh how I love you! I could just crawl right in there and bake myself! TWO, I'm starving. It's because I'm cold. I've lost weight, trying to keep warm. I don't know for sure because I haven't been on a real scale in two years but I can tell. So it's necessary for me to consume muffins and cookies and cake and biscuits regularly throughout the day. The children are thrilled of course. The Man also finds this behavior highly endearing, calling me Betty Crocker for three hours until he figured out I was sending him death glares for it. Then he shrugged and ate another chocolate chip cookie.
*There's no sex in the new house. *gasp* I know. LESS sex than before? CRAZY! The thing is…. I can hardly sleep with my eight year old so far away (upstairs) let alone the baby. So he's still sleeping with us. How can I tuck him in his bed up there and wonder all night when he's going to wander out and fall to his death down the stairs? But he's been sleeping with us for a long time. The real deal breaker is The Man's too tired. He's back to building actual scaffolding. No more sales position for him. He couldn't take all the lying. So he's worn out. I gotta tell ya though, the bulging muscles are not bad. Not bad at all. I swear to you people, he's rippling.
* I went down to the Corbett School the other day with all three kids to pick up the paper work for enrollment. The kind woman at the front desk took one look at me and the three kids and said "If you fill these out here and turn them in, they can start tomorrow" ahahahahahahah! She could see the desperation in my eyes!! Ahaha! I laughed and told her Monday would be fine. The school is beautiful, the hallways are wider than most schools and then they open up to these group areas with tables and stuff between the classrooms. It's hard to describe the way you can just feel right in a place. But we did. And that's what it's all about folks. The school. *wraps quilt tighter around self*
Friday, October 31, 2008
How to Take Your Kids Trick or Treating
How To Take Your Kids Trick-or-Treating
1. Start at a friends' house. Then you can trick-or-treat your way home. Let them spike your cocoa with peppermint schnapps it isn't easy spreading Halloween Cheer these days. The holiday is on it's death bed. Laugh at the friend who's son claimed he just wanted to pass out candy but demands to join us when we leave. Let the friend laugh at you as you leave their house with their kid. Bring at least one other adult with you for maximum merriment. I always bring my sister. We go way back with trick-or-treating.
2. Dress Appropriately. It's usually super cold and often soaking wet. I layer, tights, pants three or four shirts, a coat and some kind of costume on top. Yes, you should wear some kind of costume. It can be as simple as a hat. I don't recommend masks. You can't see. You can't eat your kids' candy and we all know you won't wear it for more than five minutes and then you will be forced to carry it. You people carrying your deflated mask heads around look like idiots. If you ignore this advice ( I did) and try to wear a mask, don't be afraid to leave it on someone's porch looking all spooky. That just spreads the magic of Halloween.
3. If you notice that the mob of annoying teenagers trick-or-treating just ahead of your youngsters is effecting the kids' haul feel free to loudly hustle your kids ahead of them. I'm all for anyone willing to dress up taking part in trick-or-treating but the kids come first. Warning: when you shout at your three trick-or-treaters "Run ahead to the next house, come ..!" the teens are going to know exactly what you're doing and they may even remark about it. But don't worry; the little hussies' who didn't give you a friendly smile, respond to your polite hello or give your kids a chance to dodge their foul mouthed slut tea party in between houses won't have the balls to do anything about it.
4. Teach your children the Halloween Code.
The Halloween Code:
1. Porch light off = don't knock
2. Say "Trick or Treat"
3. Say "Thank-you" and/or "Happy Halloween"
4. No costume= No candy
5. Go ahead and stop the creep in the dark corner from scaring your kids if you know it will result in them crying. He's not going to like it when you turn, point at him and say "You better not scare my kids!" but he could hide better if he takes his job so seriously. Bonus points if you make him feel better by letting him know there's a giant crowd of teens about to arrive.
6. Just like all the other holidays, consider this an opportunity to tell your children outrageous stories. When we were exiting the drive-way of a home that chooses to spread Halloween cheer by blasting smoke into the neighborhood, my little friend Kaden (just turned five) said "Ewwwwww that stinks, that really stinks bad!" I said "Kaden!" rather sharply. Now that I had his attention I said "That's the smell of Halloween!" There was some doubt in his huge eyes but clutching his bag of loot greedily he couldn't argue or I might take the bag for not believing. Hey that's how Santa rolls.
7. Be traditional. Every year we come back to our house through the dark, dark woods, down the super steep hill and across the track. I tried to play a trick on the kids and get them to knock on the door of the pump house. They all moaned and groaned at my lame attempt. Kaden said "No way! That place stinks more than Halloween!"
8. The kids are always surprised and disappointed that they cannot trick-or-treat at their own house. Since The Man was home with Little Man we were all hoping he would still be awake but we should have known better. I was going to slip in and then let them pretend I had been there all along and give them candy but alas we were locked out. So we all went to make ghost noises at The Man's window. When I made it to the front door, The Man was already back in bed but the kids were giggling and one of them said "He's not wearing any clothes!" I told them that was just his costume. They accepted this and didn't even ask what he was supposed to be. Scary is good enough.
9. Half-heartedly check your kids candy even though you don't believe for one second that anyone poisoned it. This is your only opportunity to take inventory. If you spot candy you know you will be tempted to steal make a list and go buy it the next day. Seriously. Observe the way the candy is like money or collectibles to the children. They organize it in elaborate ways and make deals with one another. They are not kidding around here people. When you take their candy you are stealing the very magic of Halloween from their hearts.
10. Don't over-limit the kids' candy or you will just be ashamed of yourself in April when you find it on top of the fridge and have to throw it out. With an otherwise healthy lifestyle, good dental hygiene and a common sense approach to sweets your kids will be fine if they have more than one piece of candy a day.
1. Start at a friends' house. Then you can trick-or-treat your way home. Let them spike your cocoa with peppermint schnapps it isn't easy spreading Halloween Cheer these days. The holiday is on it's death bed. Laugh at the friend who's son claimed he just wanted to pass out candy but demands to join us when we leave. Let the friend laugh at you as you leave their house with their kid. Bring at least one other adult with you for maximum merriment. I always bring my sister. We go way back with trick-or-treating.
2. Dress Appropriately. It's usually super cold and often soaking wet. I layer, tights, pants three or four shirts, a coat and some kind of costume on top. Yes, you should wear some kind of costume. It can be as simple as a hat. I don't recommend masks. You can't see. You can't eat your kids' candy and we all know you won't wear it for more than five minutes and then you will be forced to carry it. You people carrying your deflated mask heads around look like idiots. If you ignore this advice ( I did) and try to wear a mask, don't be afraid to leave it on someone's porch looking all spooky. That just spreads the magic of Halloween.
3. If you notice that the mob of annoying teenagers trick-or-treating just ahead of your youngsters is effecting the kids' haul feel free to loudly hustle your kids ahead of them. I'm all for anyone willing to dress up taking part in trick-or-treating but the kids come first. Warning: when you shout at your three trick-or-treaters "Run ahead to the next house, come ..!" the teens are going to know exactly what you're doing and they may even remark about it. But don't worry; the little hussies' who didn't give you a friendly smile, respond to your polite hello or give your kids a chance to dodge their foul mouthed slut tea party in between houses won't have the balls to do anything about it.
4. Teach your children the Halloween Code.
The Halloween Code:
1. Porch light off = don't knock
2. Say "Trick or Treat"
3. Say "Thank-you" and/or "Happy Halloween"
4. No costume= No candy
5. Go ahead and stop the creep in the dark corner from scaring your kids if you know it will result in them crying. He's not going to like it when you turn, point at him and say "You better not scare my kids!" but he could hide better if he takes his job so seriously. Bonus points if you make him feel better by letting him know there's a giant crowd of teens about to arrive.
6. Just like all the other holidays, consider this an opportunity to tell your children outrageous stories. When we were exiting the drive-way of a home that chooses to spread Halloween cheer by blasting smoke into the neighborhood, my little friend Kaden (just turned five) said "Ewwwwww that stinks, that really stinks bad!" I said "Kaden!" rather sharply. Now that I had his attention I said "That's the smell of Halloween!" There was some doubt in his huge eyes but clutching his bag of loot greedily he couldn't argue or I might take the bag for not believing. Hey that's how Santa rolls.
7. Be traditional. Every year we come back to our house through the dark, dark woods, down the super steep hill and across the track. I tried to play a trick on the kids and get them to knock on the door of the pump house. They all moaned and groaned at my lame attempt. Kaden said "No way! That place stinks more than Halloween!"
8. The kids are always surprised and disappointed that they cannot trick-or-treat at their own house. Since The Man was home with Little Man we were all hoping he would still be awake but we should have known better. I was going to slip in and then let them pretend I had been there all along and give them candy but alas we were locked out. So we all went to make ghost noises at The Man's window. When I made it to the front door, The Man was already back in bed but the kids were giggling and one of them said "He's not wearing any clothes!" I told them that was just his costume. They accepted this and didn't even ask what he was supposed to be. Scary is good enough.
9. Half-heartedly check your kids candy even though you don't believe for one second that anyone poisoned it. This is your only opportunity to take inventory. If you spot candy you know you will be tempted to steal make a list and go buy it the next day. Seriously. Observe the way the candy is like money or collectibles to the children. They organize it in elaborate ways and make deals with one another. They are not kidding around here people. When you take their candy you are stealing the very magic of Halloween from their hearts.
10. Don't over-limit the kids' candy or you will just be ashamed of yourself in April when you find it on top of the fridge and have to throw it out. With an otherwise healthy lifestyle, good dental hygiene and a common sense approach to sweets your kids will be fine if they have more than one piece of candy a day.
How to Pass Out Halloween Candy
How To Hand Out Tricks and Treats
1.) Designate a Door Person. It isn't always a coveted job, I know. My parents worked it in shifts. Mom took us trick-or-treating and Dad passed out candy. When we finally got back home Dad would take anyone still greedy out for the second round. Sometimes an older kid who claims to be "too old" for trick or treating can be bullied into taking the door job. Let them have a friend over and make it fun. If there's no way to leave someone at home and you decide to leave a bowl outside with a nice little sign that says take one please know that the first person who comes along will empty that bowl into their bag. Such is the world. I say hide in the bushes and terrorize the person you catch doing that.
2.) Dress Appropriately. This is a holiday people. Put some kind of costume on. Have some personality, we walked to your house for crying out loud. Dress the house too. A bag of that spider webbing is like $3.00, surely you can spread that around the porch.
3.) Scare the crap out of the big kids. They're counting on you to do this! You're just as likely to be egged or toilet papered for being lame as you are for being "hella-cool". Have fun with the little kids. My dad liked answering the door with a bag of onions and asked the kids if they wanted onions in their treat bag. His favorite story was when some little boy asked "Are they Walla-Walla?" ß Pardon me, that's local humor. He did give them treats after the trick, btw.
4.) Follow the Halloween Code.
6.) Just like all the other holidays consider this an opportunity to warp it and make it your own. Have a theme, push your philosophies whatever. This could be as simple as handing out toothbrushes or popcorn instead of candy. Halloween more than any other holiday fits everyone. So you hate yard work, great you have a spooky trash hole, so you like to be the best go ahead and hand out full size candy bars it gives our journey through the neighborhood natural highs and lows. Of course if you hand my child religious propaganda I will toilet paper your house but that's just part of the magic of Halloween.
7.) Be traditional. I still remember specific houses on my childhood trick-or-treating route by what they did at Halloween. There was an old lady who spent thirty minutes shuffling to the door with a cookie tray of stickers and then patiently waited while children chose their favorite to take home. One guy had a HUGE pumpkin in his window every year and used a sound system to make it talk to the kids. We all looked forward to it every year.
8.) Make cookies and cocoa so that when your crew gets home they have something warm and wonderful waiting for them. Spike your spouses' mug with alcohol so he or she can relax and give you some hot costume action.
9.) If you want to hand-out home made treats be prepared for everyone to throw them away. A better idea is to make a couple of home-made goody bags for the children you know well and give the rest a single Hershey kiss each. Bwaaaahahahahaha!
10.) Buy good Halloween candy. Turn out is getting low and you'll be eating it until someone gives you something better at Christmas. It's okay to close up shop at ten.
1.) Designate a Door Person. It isn't always a coveted job, I know. My parents worked it in shifts. Mom took us trick-or-treating and Dad passed out candy. When we finally got back home Dad would take anyone still greedy out for the second round. Sometimes an older kid who claims to be "too old" for trick or treating can be bullied into taking the door job. Let them have a friend over and make it fun. If there's no way to leave someone at home and you decide to leave a bowl outside with a nice little sign that says take one please know that the first person who comes along will empty that bowl into their bag. Such is the world. I say hide in the bushes and terrorize the person you catch doing that.
2.) Dress Appropriately. This is a holiday people. Put some kind of costume on. Have some personality, we walked to your house for crying out loud. Dress the house too. A bag of that spider webbing is like $3.00, surely you can spread that around the porch.
3.) Scare the crap out of the big kids. They're counting on you to do this! You're just as likely to be egged or toilet papered for being lame as you are for being "hella-cool". Have fun with the little kids. My dad liked answering the door with a bag of onions and asked the kids if they wanted onions in their treat bag. His favorite story was when some little boy asked "Are they Walla-Walla?" ß Pardon me, that's local humor. He did give them treats after the trick, btw.
4.) Follow the Halloween Code.
Halloween Code:
1. If you're against Halloween, fine. Leave the porch light off and we will not bother you. However, do not spend hundreds decorating your house and then decide you're not going to hand out candy. It's cruel.
2. Go ahead and ask what we're supposed to be. We like it.
3. Give us something to thank you for. Sure, we should be grateful for anything (we are begging) but let's face it, dropping one Hershey kiss into our hollow little plastic pumpkin insults everyone involved.
4. No costume = no candy but feel free to offer the grown-ups something to keep their spirits up.
5. Do something about your yipping dogs. Seriously.
5.) Don't scar and/or traumatize little kids. Do I really have to explain? If you must scare little ones dress as Santa. 6.) Just like all the other holidays consider this an opportunity to warp it and make it your own. Have a theme, push your philosophies whatever. This could be as simple as handing out toothbrushes or popcorn instead of candy. Halloween more than any other holiday fits everyone. So you hate yard work, great you have a spooky trash hole, so you like to be the best go ahead and hand out full size candy bars it gives our journey through the neighborhood natural highs and lows. Of course if you hand my child religious propaganda I will toilet paper your house but that's just part of the magic of Halloween.
7.) Be traditional. I still remember specific houses on my childhood trick-or-treating route by what they did at Halloween. There was an old lady who spent thirty minutes shuffling to the door with a cookie tray of stickers and then patiently waited while children chose their favorite to take home. One guy had a HUGE pumpkin in his window every year and used a sound system to make it talk to the kids. We all looked forward to it every year.
8.) Make cookies and cocoa so that when your crew gets home they have something warm and wonderful waiting for them. Spike your spouses' mug with alcohol so he or she can relax and give you some hot costume action.
9.) If you want to hand-out home made treats be prepared for everyone to throw them away. A better idea is to make a couple of home-made goody bags for the children you know well and give the rest a single Hershey kiss each. Bwaaaahahahahaha!
10.) Buy good Halloween candy. Turn out is getting low and you'll be eating it until someone gives you something better at Christmas. It's okay to close up shop at ten.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Getting Back on the Blogging Horse
Last night, on my way home from dropping D at her apartment I stopped at Safeway to get some milk and smokes. At check out I asked the manager "Can I get cigarettes here or do I need to go to customer service?"
"Here's fine" he said and he rang my items up and asked "What kind to you want?"
"Two packs of Marlboro Ultra Lights, in the box please." I said. Clearly. Not forcefully. But clearly.
He brought back two packs of Marlboro Ultra Lights MENTHOL. The boxes were a pretty emeraldy green. I could see he brought me the wrong cigarettes right away. He finished ring me up. I paid with a debit card. All of this was time I didn't say a word.
Not a word.
And I don't know why. It felt rude. To point out his error. To be any more trouble.
So. I guess I smoke menthol now.
SO many issues. *nods* SO SO many. And of course it's a metaphor. And of course it still really happened. and no. I don't like menthol. Not more than one. and yes I will smoke them all anyway.
I'm a trooper like that.
"Here's fine" he said and he rang my items up and asked "What kind to you want?"
"Two packs of Marlboro Ultra Lights, in the box please." I said. Clearly. Not forcefully. But clearly.
He brought back two packs of Marlboro Ultra Lights MENTHOL. The boxes were a pretty emeraldy green. I could see he brought me the wrong cigarettes right away. He finished ring me up. I paid with a debit card. All of this was time I didn't say a word.
Not a word.
And I don't know why. It felt rude. To point out his error. To be any more trouble.
So. I guess I smoke menthol now.
SO many issues. *nods* SO SO many. And of course it's a metaphor. And of course it still really happened. and no. I don't like menthol. Not more than one. and yes I will smoke them all anyway.
I'm a trooper like that.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Place Signature Here
The Man was pretty annoyed when he went to turn in the application to live in the New House. They told him he had to have me fill one out separately and pay another application fee. Because we're not married.
"Tell me again why we don't just get married?" he said the way he does anytime it costs us extra money to remain separate individuals under the law.
"It only seems ridonkulous because I'm a non-person." I told him.
"What?"
"I don't exist on paper. Not really. No job to check. No former addresses. No credit. No ownership. Nothing for them to see. I'm a non-person. I'm just putting the same information as you on the other application sheet. That parts annoying, but they have no idea I'm a non-person until they look and find out. Besides, if we were married it would probably just be one bigger fee. It's still two people to check."
This afternoon we have to go sign papers. The lease or whatever.
Whatever. I mean. It's a line to sign. It's not like it freaks me out. It's not like I can't BE a real person. It's not like we're not already doing it. It's not like it matters that my name will be there on the actual document this time. Doesn't change anything. Just my name scrawled on a line. It doesn't mean anything.
I'm not freaking out about it.
I'm not.
********** Insert hours passing and the office visit **********
The lease is eight pages long!!!!!! So there we are in the tiny front entry of a house made into an office with three children in FULL afternoon mode (moms will know), trying to read 8 pages of legalese. And when I say WE… I mean ME.
My circuits fried. I hate leases. I hate signing. I hate all of it.
Here's the thing. It's not that I would ever leave the lawn uncut. It's not like I would let the kids leave their toys lying all over the front yard or remove the smoke detectors or even break any of the other rules detailed within the eight looong pages. As a matter of fact, I'm probably the renter that fucks it for everyone else. After me they probably think of NEW rules based on how fucking great a renter I am just to make sure the next renter does as great a job.
But I do not want to sign something that says I HAVE TO. And I don't want to sign something that details for eight pages exactly how quickly and deeply they're going to ream me should they decide I'm not up to par.
FUCK THAT.
Plus there's a couple pretty serious issues I wont describe here.
********** Insert intense conversation with The Man that reveals just how freaking crushed he will be if we do not move into THAT house, THIS weekend. **********
"Fine. I'll just sign it. But if shit fucking hit's the fan I don't want to get one tiny bit of grief. Not one bit!"
I was thinking I might get drunk for the signing, but I'm afraid I'll wake up married or something.
"Tell me again why we don't just get married?" he said the way he does anytime it costs us extra money to remain separate individuals under the law.
"It only seems ridonkulous because I'm a non-person." I told him.
"What?"
"I don't exist on paper. Not really. No job to check. No former addresses. No credit. No ownership. Nothing for them to see. I'm a non-person. I'm just putting the same information as you on the other application sheet. That parts annoying, but they have no idea I'm a non-person until they look and find out. Besides, if we were married it would probably just be one bigger fee. It's still two people to check."
This afternoon we have to go sign papers. The lease or whatever.
Whatever. I mean. It's a line to sign. It's not like it freaks me out. It's not like I can't BE a real person. It's not like we're not already doing it. It's not like it matters that my name will be there on the actual document this time. Doesn't change anything. Just my name scrawled on a line. It doesn't mean anything.
I'm not freaking out about it.
I'm not.
********** Insert hours passing and the office visit **********
The lease is eight pages long!!!!!! So there we are in the tiny front entry of a house made into an office with three children in FULL afternoon mode (moms will know), trying to read 8 pages of legalese. And when I say WE… I mean ME.
My circuits fried. I hate leases. I hate signing. I hate all of it.
Here's the thing. It's not that I would ever leave the lawn uncut. It's not like I would let the kids leave their toys lying all over the front yard or remove the smoke detectors or even break any of the other rules detailed within the eight looong pages. As a matter of fact, I'm probably the renter that fucks it for everyone else. After me they probably think of NEW rules based on how fucking great a renter I am just to make sure the next renter does as great a job.
But I do not want to sign something that says I HAVE TO. And I don't want to sign something that details for eight pages exactly how quickly and deeply they're going to ream me should they decide I'm not up to par.
FUCK THAT.
Plus there's a couple pretty serious issues I wont describe here.
********** Insert intense conversation with The Man that reveals just how freaking crushed he will be if we do not move into THAT house, THIS weekend. **********
"Fine. I'll just sign it. But if shit fucking hit's the fan I don't want to get one tiny bit of grief. Not one bit!"
I was thinking I might get drunk for the signing, but I'm afraid I'll wake up married or something.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Almost Cousins
Sooo… I had this cousin. Except he wasn't REALLY my cousin. My uncle was dating his mom. And they never married so we never became family under the law. Anyway… we were sort of cousins.
I met him when I moved to Idaho, the summer between my sophomore and junior years in high school. My parents split up and my mom moved us to our grandparents house. Everyone lived at my grandparents house. It was a hippy commune. Without any hippies. Or communing. All the cousins stayed over a lot. Glad to see us all the time since we'd only ever seen them on summer vacations prior to this.
We would hang out. Go swimming. Spit watermelon seeds at one another. St off firecrackers in the pasture.
And camp in the yard.
One night, under the giant starry Idaho sky I ended up in the tent alone with The Step-cousin. I don't know where the actual cousins were. (fuck you, where WERE you people?) So there we were. In our sleeping bags. I suppose we were talking about something but I don't remember what. He was a real dip shit. Probably something really lame. Then the talking sort of slowed. The way it does when you're going to sleep. It was hot so the bags were not zipped.
Yeah. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his dick.
"What are you doing?" I said Of course what I was thinking was, Oh dear gawd now we're over the line and I don't know how to get back to the other side without drama. And also, what the hell is wrong with his dick? It was bent at an astonishing angle. This was the first dick I ever had my hand on without any fabric between us. and only the second if you counted that.
He didn't answer me with any words, he was making some odd grunting and groaning noises that implied we were already in the thick of … I didn't know what. His hand was still holding my wrist, his grip leaving an Indian burn as I twisted and turned my hand to escape. Finally I wrapped my hand around him and started to apply pressure, increasing until he relaxed his grip on my wrist and I regained control of my hand, yanking it out of his sleeping bag. "Dude, what do you think you're doing?"
"I don't know. You grabbed my dick."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Fucking tease."
"Dumbass" I crawled out of the tent to find an actual cousin.
About a week later he approached me. "So we start school in a few days."
"Yeah. So."
"I just wanted to let you know we can't hang out at school."
I stared at him.
"'Cause I sort of already have friends, ya know?"
I laughed at him. "So you want me to act like I don't know you at school?"
"It's not like that, it's just…."
"Yeah. That's not going to be a problem, dude."
I'm still wondering who the fuck those friends were that he was so worried about. I never saw them.
Anyway. The POINT is… watch out for THOSE cousins. *nods*
I met him when I moved to Idaho, the summer between my sophomore and junior years in high school. My parents split up and my mom moved us to our grandparents house. Everyone lived at my grandparents house. It was a hippy commune. Without any hippies. Or communing. All the cousins stayed over a lot. Glad to see us all the time since we'd only ever seen them on summer vacations prior to this.
We would hang out. Go swimming. Spit watermelon seeds at one another. St off firecrackers in the pasture.
And camp in the yard.
One night, under the giant starry Idaho sky I ended up in the tent alone with The Step-cousin. I don't know where the actual cousins were. (fuck you, where WERE you people?) So there we were. In our sleeping bags. I suppose we were talking about something but I don't remember what. He was a real dip shit. Probably something really lame. Then the talking sort of slowed. The way it does when you're going to sleep. It was hot so the bags were not zipped.
Yeah. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his dick.
"What are you doing?" I said Of course what I was thinking was, Oh dear gawd now we're over the line and I don't know how to get back to the other side without drama. And also, what the hell is wrong with his dick? It was bent at an astonishing angle. This was the first dick I ever had my hand on without any fabric between us. and only the second if you counted that.
He didn't answer me with any words, he was making some odd grunting and groaning noises that implied we were already in the thick of … I didn't know what. His hand was still holding my wrist, his grip leaving an Indian burn as I twisted and turned my hand to escape. Finally I wrapped my hand around him and started to apply pressure, increasing until he relaxed his grip on my wrist and I regained control of my hand, yanking it out of his sleeping bag. "Dude, what do you think you're doing?"
"I don't know. You grabbed my dick."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Fucking tease."
"Dumbass" I crawled out of the tent to find an actual cousin.
About a week later he approached me. "So we start school in a few days."
"Yeah. So."
"I just wanted to let you know we can't hang out at school."
I stared at him.
"'Cause I sort of already have friends, ya know?"
I laughed at him. "So you want me to act like I don't know you at school?"
"It's not like that, it's just…."
"Yeah. That's not going to be a problem, dude."
I'm still wondering who the fuck those friends were that he was so worried about. I never saw them.
Anyway. The POINT is… watch out for THOSE cousins. *nods*
Monday, October 20, 2008
Not Today
I keep hoping someone will ask me; "You know what your problem is?"
Cause I do. Almost all of them. I would say all of them but I'm leaving room for error. Cause once in awhile I miss something major. Another of my problems.
But mostly. My biggest problem. Is.
Acceptance.
Letting Go.
Oh I fake it. I pretend. I'm fucking BRILLIANT at faking it. I fool myself sometimes!
But down below….. In the darkest ugliest places in me. I'm SCREAMING.
Cause it's not fair.
Cause I want MORE.
Cause it's MINE.
*stomps foot and cries*
As long as I can remember I've had this battle in me. This little bit of me that NEEDS to think that right wins, that true love can conquer anything, that somewhere in this mess of a life and world there's a reason, there's something that makes it all worth it at the end. The rest of me knows it's a bunch of shit.
I STOMP ON YOU LITTLE BIT! STOMP STOMP STOMP!
Because that little bit has hurt me more than anything ever.
And because the truth is. What I want has always been wrong. Gets more wrong with every passing day. Because the truth is. True love may not be what I thought it would be. Because THE TRUTH is that it may be that you can't know if it's worth it UNTIL the end.
And that's not today.
Cause I do. Almost all of them. I would say all of them but I'm leaving room for error. Cause once in awhile I miss something major. Another of my problems.
But mostly. My biggest problem. Is.
Acceptance.
Letting Go.
Oh I fake it. I pretend. I'm fucking BRILLIANT at faking it. I fool myself sometimes!
But down below….. In the darkest ugliest places in me. I'm SCREAMING.
Cause it's not fair.
Cause I want MORE.
Cause it's MINE.
*stomps foot and cries*
As long as I can remember I've had this battle in me. This little bit of me that NEEDS to think that right wins, that true love can conquer anything, that somewhere in this mess of a life and world there's a reason, there's something that makes it all worth it at the end. The rest of me knows it's a bunch of shit.
I STOMP ON YOU LITTLE BIT! STOMP STOMP STOMP!
Because that little bit has hurt me more than anything ever.
And because the truth is. What I want has always been wrong. Gets more wrong with every passing day. Because the truth is. True love may not be what I thought it would be. Because THE TRUTH is that it may be that you can't know if it's worth it UNTIL the end.
And that's not today.
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