I caught the spirit much earlier than usual this year. It's usually not until a couple weeks before Christmas that I give in and allow the hoopla to take over the house. The weekend after Thanksgiving, still drunk on gravy and stuffing, I ventured into the place where the mouse lives to retrieve the Rubbermaid containers I store our Holiday Decorations in. Who knows why I started so early this year. Usually I call my friend T and tease her for decorating the minute the turkey leftovers get placed in the fridge. This year I had to hang my head in shame as she breezed in past the holiday wreath on my own front door. It doesn't matter. The point is, I got the stuff out. As always I was shocked and dismayed at how little there was in them. There went my spirit *whoosh* I wanted something big, something that said the season has changed and we're on top of it. Something magical and lovely. Most of what was in the container was meant to go on a mantle, the outside of the house, or a tree.
We no longer have a mantel so the stockings and hangers remain in the box. Besides, there's the baby now and I think he will notice if he doesn't get a stocking this year so I have to get four 'cause they have to match. (Yes they do!) So far I have not found four stocking that I like enough to spend the outrageous amounts they put on their price tags.
I guess on Christmas Eve we will have to go old school on Santa's ass and hang our socks at the end of the bed. I would use one of sweeties because they're huge but I'm sure anything put in there would forever be tainted by his foot stink. It won't stop him. On Christmas morning he will sit there sniffing every damn thing that comes out of his sock and I will say "Jeezus, it's the same smell every time!" the way I do in the evenings when he takes his work socks off and sniffs both of them in turn, encouraging the children to join him. The kids will all eagerly come forward to have their turn sniffing the unholy stocking stuffers and wrinkling their noses saying "eeeewww stinky!". The holidays really are the best time of the year.
The lights that should be on the house right now are still in a wad waiting for sweetie to hang them. The roof is his realm. He's been putting me off by mentioning the cold and how slippery the roof must be. Now that I've thought about that it occurs to me that it's pretty damn icy every December in most places and they have farkin' lights. He's just not that into it. His parents never hung lights. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know that no matter how bad it is, no matter if there's not enough money for a holiday feast or if you're not going to get anything but the shit people donate to a toy drive at Christmas or if your parents are fighting or you just hate everything there will at least be lights twinkling in spite of it. They will twinkle and glow and warm your weary spirit no matter what. I told him all that and he pointed out that we are going to eat, give and be merry so why should he fall off the roof trying to hang lights. He expects me to eat, give and be merry knowing the outside of our house is without twinkle? I guess I will have to suck it up and let my fear of falling be damned, I know there's enough rope to tie the baby to the chimney while I hang the twinkles. There will be lights!
The tree stuff mostly consisted of a million of those shiny balls that enlarge your nose when you peer into them, a few assorted ornaments I actually like, ornaments that were gifts or hand-made and the ones my mom gives to the kids that are really just ugly little stuffed animals with a hook. Now listen, it isn't that I'm against the balls. They're cheaper than other holiday ornaments and pack a lot of shine, I get that. I just don't need so many balls. That's all we freakin' have!
Last year our tree was ball to ball. Seriously, the balls were on that tree so tight you could hear a tinkling sound if you stepped down hard next to the tree. Balls, balls, balls. Balls do not tell a story of Christmas past, they are not a wish for Christmas future and they make a terrible, terrible present so don't give anyone a box of balls this year. Unless they want balls. Or ask for them. *ignoring all the snickers every time I say Balls* All of this is moot now of course because we u-cut the largest Christmas tree ever and need every ball we can get.
Your town probably has a large tree on display somewhere. Picture it in your mind. My tree has shit trees that size. Seriously! I cut branches off this tree as big as other people's Christmas trees, just to trim it up a little. If we had not chosen this tree they probably would have had to cut it down to keep it from blocking the sun from shining on all the other trees. This tree is a testament to the fact that being outdoors surrounded by trees and air and forest and blue sky makes me high.
When we wandered around trying to choose a tree we knew this tree was big but it wasn't until we could barely get it through the door that we really understood the majesty that is this tree. This tree is out of control! I love it. Every glorious smelling needle. I love the shiny balls, I love the ugly ornaments, damn it ugly is their Christmas story! Most of all I love the lights. You cannot have too many lights on a tree. It's big, it's beautiful and when you enter the house and peer up into its lofty branches you cannot help but know that the season has changed and we're on top of it.
December 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Reverberation
"ooooh maaaaan. I sure wish we brought dew out here." I never wanted dew like this in my life, my tongue was thick and slimy.
"Ahhhaahahahahah! Me too." he struggled to make his long frame comfortable on the foam cushions we had draped a quilt over in the tent. Watching him I could see him repeat the same shift over and over exactly the same every time but never seeming to be right. "Or tang."
"You want me to go make you some tang, baby?" I tried to ignore the monologue that had been running in my head ever since that second hit.
Whoooah…I'm stoned….the thing of it is everything reverbrates….reverberates…reverbrates…fuck what is it? Echos…no that's not it…re….ver…ber….ates….. In and out, in and out… waves…. a stone in the water, the ripples in… verberates…. invertebrates…… snort….. whoosh… can he tell I'm freaking out? Shit…he's going to try and calm me down…don't freak out!…..just be cool no more word shit…what is he doing anyway? How can he just sit there a big puddle of stoned? Oh there it is….he's invertebrated and I'm reverberating…see still have it… I'm cool….. just a lil stoned…. no I mean inebriated don't I?… *sigh* …..does anyone ever mean anything anyway? Nothing means anything… I wonder if there's smoking in the tent. *chortle* well there's already been smoking in the tent he can hardly argue that…. Dammit I don't have my smokes out here. I knew we weren't ready for this.. No smokes, no dew what were we THINKING?…*giggles*
"No, but some dew would be great." He finally answered me.
Jeezus christ, what was he- napping, all that time?
"You don't think I can manage to make good tang, do you?" I accused "You think I'm too stoned!"
Oh gawd I'm a harpy, and I'm loud! So fucking LOUD! we better shut up. Just go get dew and write down that thing about the re-ever-brations before you lose it. Lose it .. I lost it a long time ago! I wonder if I could mix dew WITH tang… Hmmmm….. That might be fantastic! Just a scoop or four in the dew….
"Ahahahahahaha! Noooo baby! I know you can make tang. You can make anything."
"Damn straight I can." I nodded assuredly.
Shit he's looking at me funny… all puppy eyed… awww he loves me… look at him… a big giant man sitting there, what the hell am I doing in this tent with a big giant man? I mean who is he anyway? Who does he think I am? Who is anyone? Fuck that's too heavy.. Chill out Dew(ed)! We're just thirsty that's all, and you need a smoke.
"Okay, then. I'm going to go in there now…" Suddenly I was struck by the situation again when I tried to extricate myself from the foam in order to stand up, the sides of the tent were flapping with the summer breeze outside and I only made it half way up before collapsing in laughter back on the make-shift couch.
"What?…." he was already laughing "What's so funny?"
"We're in a tent…." I gasped between hyena howls "a fucking TENT!" he nodded encouragement, hoping I would manage to finish, I guessed. "We have an entire HOUSE! With dishes and furniture and kids and lights and and and EVERYTHING! We have everything! And we're out here hiding in a tent!"
"I know!" he said as though he had already thought it. "and we're so thirsty!"
"Alright… I'll go. I'll be right back." I spoke as though the question of who would go had been up in the air, as though it might not be smart to leave a man behind, as though I was about to make a journey I might not return from. The zippers on the tent didn't want to cooperate. I tugged and shimmied them but then felt as though this were a scene being filmed or on stage, that if I continued to take so long it would fuck with the momentum of the plot so I ended up sliding out under them as though I had been locked in a bathroom stall. Outside the air was cool and refreshing, I took big gulps and concentrated on stepping lightly over the deck to the backdoor. It slid open amazingly smoothly.
The kitchen was bright and clean. I took some time choosing glasses, wondering if plastic might not be smarter to take outside then reminding myself we were grown ups and if we couldn't handle glasses by now we never would.
Besides, what could happen, it's not like we're going to throw the glasses! ahahah! We might throw them at the fence. I love that sound, glass shattering... but then we would have to break all the plates. aww that would be sad we would need all new plates or we would have to serve the kids food on the table ahahahah on the table! the fucking table! that's crazy we would never do that. Why did I even think that? ahahah I'm stoned.
Then I remembered to write something down to trigger my memory later.
Paper… there! In the printer… pencil… why is it there's never a goddamn pencil in this house that's sharp? Wait there's one…. Okay…
I began to scratch out some thoughts but the graphite on the paper was scraping against my neck and all the way up and down my back aggravating me.
Fuck! How do people walk around like this all day long? I have to hurry up and get back out there, how long have I been in here? He's going to come looking for me, wondering why I can't even pour dew!
I crumpled the paper and put it in the compost bowl. Slowly I lifted the two glasses and made my way out across the deck, finding he had unzipped the doors on the tent for me. I wondered if he would mention my inability to unzip them or not. "Hey, sorry it took so long. I tried to write something down to remember it and I had to stop. It was KILLING me." I paused to eyeball his reaction. He didn't appear to think I was crazy but then again he hadn't appeared to be anything but slightly amused since we started this. "Do you know what I mean? It was actually scratching at me while I tried to write! Do you know what I mean? I mean do you really really get it?"
"Yeah! I know exactly what you mean, you could feel the sound."
"YES!! That's exactly it!" I was tremendously relieved he understood me.
Unless he didn't. I mean sure he said that but does he really know? Fuck shut up! This is why you're no freaking fun! No! Stop that too. Dammit. I should smoke.
"What's the matter?" he asked
"Umm it's like when you get on a ride and suddenly you decide you want off but it's too late."
"Oh." he responded. I knew he had never wanted off a ride in his life.
"I'm cool. I just want to go smoke."
"Okay."
See now you've spoiled it. Shut up I have not. Just go smoke a cigarette, drink your dew and chill out. You can decide how you want it to be. Just act the part and that's how it will be. Besides this can't last forever… how long does it last? Hmmm can't remember… was this fun back in the day? Why do people find this fun? Good gawd this is NOT fun. Mmmmm smoking is good. I bet I smoke too many cigarettes tonight. No don't. your throat will hurt tomorrow. But I'm stoned! I NEED to smoke! Where the hell did he go? Fuck, is he going to go to bed? What am I going to do? I wonder what I used to do… damn that cigarette went fast. Too fast. Maybe I'll have one more. No. go inside and find him, it's better to stay busy and distracted.
When I got in the house he was shutting up all the windows. I figured he wanted to go to bed and suddenly knew it was the thing to do.
Maybe bed is the perfect thing! That's IT I'll just sleep it off. Awesome. Good. Bed is good. I love bed. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Bed is so freaking good. I love bed. I'll just drink a glass of water and go to bed!
I went about the usual routine of shutting the house down before bed. Closing windows, locking doors, turning out lights and when all was as it should be I ended up in the bedroom.
"Hi." he looked surprised to see me.
"Getting in bed?" my voice came out bright and cheerful with a false edge, like a parody of a fifties sitcom.
"….. okay." It was days later when he told me he had been getting ready to put a movie on. I have no idea why he just went along with me and turned out the light. Or why he was shutting all the windows on a hot summer night if he wasn't going to bed.
"Okay!" I pulled back the bedding in a neat triangle, pounded my pillow a few times and climbed into the giant bed.
Oh wow.. This is good. So soft. Sheets on skin that really is amazing. I should have taken my clothes off. Way too much work to do it now… no matter this is really good , just gotta smooth that crease, mmhmmm that's perfect .. except no..not quite there yet... Mmmm okay, roll this way.. Yep arm under pillow… this is fantastic… nothing to worry about…Breathing, I'm breathing. In and out, in and out. Wow that sheet is going to come loose that's covering the skylight, damn… I wonder if he's noticed… fuck no he hasn't noticed. Of course not, why would he notice? Maybe I should say something… wouldn't want it falling on us.. We might think we were suffocating or something.. No better not, he'll stack a chair on the bed again he's too stoned for that even if it would be so fuckin' funny…. Ahahaha I should tell him but then he might do it. Dammit does he have to do everything I say? Wow … he's breathing loud. Is he asleep already? How can he sleep? We didn't even say goodnight! Wait maybe we did.. I think we did. Aww that's kinda sweet… Oh no.. I can't sleep. So thirsty. A walk might help.
I swung out of the bed too fast and had to steady myself a few moments, causing him to shoot up on his side of the bed looking terrified.
"I need water!" I explained in a panicked tone, as if he had been responsible for hydration and was fucking nuts to let us down. Then I was scurrying down the hall to the kitchen.
Wow I'm like a little rodent, sneaking around the house… ahahaha! A rodent.. That's sick that's really fucking sick Dew(ed) trying to really freak out , arnt ya? Can't just chill a bit can ya? knock it off already. Hey wow, I can feel all my muscles.. And they feel hot… I'm totally hot! That must be why I'm thirsty… so hot I'm drying inside out or something … really nice calves all shiny and brown.. I love summer.. Summer is good. And hot. And thirsty. It's a good thing we're hot.. Aww man what if we were really ugly! And what if it was way more noticeable because we were stoned…? that would suck. Thank god we're hot. Ahahahaha! Of course you think that, you're stoned! Even if you weren't, even though you totally are, you wouldn't KNOW it! Hahaahahahaa… still, I'm way thirsty.. Water should be running cold by now… oh shit.. Hafta turn it the other way … whew! Glad I noticed that… could have been standing here until the hot water heater ran out… ahahah no he would come stop me. There's the cold water.. Finally.
I filled a glass with water, gulped it, refilled it, swallowed it reverently and filled the glass again.
Wonder if I should bring him a glass…. I can't carry two!! I'm barely managing here as it is! Shit every man for himself… Fuckers going to drink all my damn water though, I tell you what. No he won't, he'll be sleeping. But what if he does???!! I can share it. Sharing is good. Ahahaha there's plenty of water Dew(ed)! Wow. Has this happened before? This has happened before? Wait what? What happened? This! This feeling, my hair back in this loose knot.. My pajamas just like this.. No these very boxers! What happened to that blue shirt I used to wear with these.. High spandex content so comfy though.. Soft cottony so good…weird arms though.. Yeah got puffy sleeves or something shitty shitty shirt.. Yeah.. But these boxers! Yes! My gawd I'm flashbacking, flashing back.. I'm back… TO THE FUTURE!! Ahahahaah… biff. I love biff. ' hello, mcfly… mcflyyyy!' ahahaha why don't we own that movie? That movie rocks. But what if I can't stop it? What if I lose where I am? Ahahahah.. Shuddap already and think about something else… mcflyyy, mcflyinng! I'm mcflying down the hall!
Bumping along happy with thoughts of the movie I made it back into the covers without incident after spending an eternity carefully balancing my glass on the dresser next to the bed. "Hey.. Ahahahaha… hey.."
"What?" he asked surprisingly alert sounding.
"ahaha never mind.. You had to be there."
Be there? In the fucking kitchen? Ahahahaahaha! Yer so stupid stoned! Wow there's that feeling again.. But am I feeling it again because I AM or because I did earlier and I told myself I would again? Shit, I'm totally crazy high. When am I remembering? ……. Oooohh.. The last time I was this high… yeah … ten years ago.. at LEAST ten years ago.. long long time ago.. Wow.. And him…the old him! Ah no that's not right totally different… is it? oh shit… I better not tell this him, might freak him out and it's just a weird feeling anyway… it's just that "it's all the same fucking day" thing.
"Hey I'm like.. Remembering or something… like I'm ten years ago or something.. Or more years, I don't know. But like I'm doing everything exactly the same as then, ya know? And I can't stop feeling it."
"yeah… I know." he nodded heavily. "I mean.. I know what you mean."
used to do this with the blanket too, when did I stop doing that? Wow… and now I'm doing it again. Or maybe I only notice it when I'm stoned… whoaaaaaah. And that.. His hand.. He used to do that too. Holy shit batman! He's groping me the same fucking way! That's impossible.. I would have noticed before. Unless I did but I forgot. Is this important? Why am I thinking this? Oh just a pat or something.. Okay. He thinks I'm freaking out. I am freaking out. No I'm not. The hand didn't feel half bad. I wonder…. Oh that's right! He's never done it stoned!! Ahahaha! Wait maybe I don't want to… hmm better check. Seems like moisture could be an issue. Where did I put my glass? Oh there it is.. Damn it's on the edge of the dresser. That's dangerous, someone could really get wet. Ahahaha.. That's the plan stan. Ahahaha I sound like a total stoner.. Aahahhahah I AM a total stoner…
I gulped the entire glass down. "wow, I haven't had this much water all at once since I was pregnant!" I informed him before getting cocooned in the covers again.
"That's good!" he said, proud as punch. As if being stoned was perfectly healthy as long as it made you drink water.
Okay.. Let's see here… system check… yep.. That's working.. That's working really well… I should have been doing this all along! But what about the moisture… I don't know if there's any lube around… oh.. Nope don't need it….
"Hey.. Whatcha doing over there?" he was grinning at me in the dim light. "Need any help with that?"
Busted! Ahahahaa! He totally busted me touching myself. Hmmmm… guess I can't exactly seduce him sexily now. Whoa.. I had a plan and didn't even know it! But now I know exactly what I was going to do, there's an image, I'm crawling up on him.. Long hair swinging down I can SEE it sliding across his skin, no… nope.. That's a dream I had…. Not him. Anyway he loves me touching myself. Maybe that counts and anyway there's no stopping now…no way at all I'm stopping this no matter what he thinks…. oh look at him, he's so excited… whoah… too excited almost……so eager. Wow. What is with that. Good gawd… you don't have to like me that much, for heaven's sake show some restraint it's suffocating……Except I'm eager too. Eager beaver ahahahahaha that's where that came from! Jeesus christ, how many hands do we have down there!
I realized we were fighting over contact down below and went ahead and let him have full access. Gave me the opportunity to grab the bottom of my shirt, yanking it up and over my head in one smooth jerk that sent it sailing across the room. It made a flap-thump sound against the wall and slid down to the laundry pile.
Yes! Even stoned! I fucking rock! Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm there's that skin on skin, love my nipples against his chest, like stars in a sky, oh shit, Still so thirsty.. Wonder if we can stop for a water break, no don't stop do not stop this is way too good to stop but maybe I can just reach the glass and have a drink in the meanwhile…he won't mind and then I can carry on while he has a drink… so strange mouth so dry and everything else so damn wet…. Moisture has been redirected to other mouth ACK don't think that MY GAWD! Not a mouth, not a mouth, *hungry too ahahaha shuddap!* not a mouth, just wet… very very wet… this is so damn good! wait what's he doing? Don't stop!
His fingers tugged the elastic waistband of my boxers so far it was as though I walked right out of them, hands on his broad shoulders for balance. My toes found the edge of his boxer-briefs and I gripped the elastic tightly, sliding the shorts all the way down to his feet so he could kick them away; his feet making a frantic paddling motion at the bottom of the bed.
He's swimming in the wet! Ahahahaaa! And look, my bodies just doing, I don't even have to direct it or anything, amazing! This is almost like with ….. No stop it don't go there…and that was not being stoned at all…oh shit… almost time…no not yet, I want that other kind…dammit, what is he still doing? Obviously this is not the time to dink around down there, put it in now already, now now now now now, just put it in, fuck! Oh jeezus when I find whoever spread that foreplay is everything bullshit around I will strangle them! Think on your feet for crying out loud.. Oh wait he's probable just stuck in a stoner repeat thing… hafta shake him loose…..
I used every ounce of umph I had to yank him on top of me, my hands immediately guiding him to the entrance. He hesitated for long rippling moments. There came that sensation again, the awareness of his physical self, the feeling that he was all man with a core of little boy. His weight was hovering there above me, poised and I had no idea what he was thinking. Our breath came panting out of us, measuring the moments in exertion, in an eternity of anticipation and desire.
Do it, just do it, I want you to do it already…it's so much better if you do it, why don't you do it? oh shit, what if he's having trouble… what's the etiquette here? If he can't, what about me, oh my gawd! I'll have to pretend I don't even really WANT to! Oh but I do do do want to… and it's gotta be the real deal has to be real human flesh…..has to be that spot…fuck I hope he finds that spot and doesn't stop this time….Wait but he seemed ready… shit… he's absolutely ready dammit I'll just have to do it myself.
I lifted my legs higher and grabbed his backside forcefully, pulling him into me in one smooth glide all the way to there, yes that spot there!, until our pelvises rested against one another, thinking 'There. That should do it.', and it did indeed get the ball rolling rather nicely but it still just wasn't enough. This night, this stoned there was no way I was taking anything less than exactly what I wanted, wasn't going to be polite. Soon my body was finding positions I had never even tried with him before, positions from eons ago when size was an issue, encouraging him to get the best possible deep penetration with each thrust.
Oh yes, this is exactly it… don't stop oh for gawds sake don't do that thing where you think it's too soon and change rhythm suddenly…. Just keep going….I'll come with you….. Yes right there….so close… so fucking close…..
With my legs so far in the air I pulled a retired Dew(ed) move out of the vault and reached around for his balls, to pull them down slightly ensuring he would go over the edge exactly when I wanted to. He did and I did…
Ahhhh…. That's wonderful…. Love that kind of orgasm… almost the best even… mmm…maybe now I can sleep…
We tumbled around in the bed a bit, rearranging covers, giggling at one another and stretching our entire bodies before finding our way to the spots we sleep in. He kept giving me the 'I don't even know who you were just now but I sure liked it' faces that made me wonder if he thought this would be a trend.
"Are you going to sleep now?" I asked him.
"Yeah, I think so." I felt his smile in the dark. He was easily as happy and relaxed as I'd ever known him to be.
"Okay. I think I can sleep now too." I rolled over, finding the blankets I needed for between my legs and burrowing my head around on the pillow.
Mmmm… felt so good. Glad I'm relaxed now. I'm sure I can sleep now. Wait, I've thought that before. That's EXACTLY what I always used to think! Maybe I should go smoke… you are practically required to smoke after sex like that.. No I can't go out there, who knows when I'll get back and I really need some rest, my gawd I'm so fucking tired I just want some damn rest!..
Wait….oh my…. Yeah… that's what it is… should do that again! Fuck he's sleeping!!!! Dammit…. Okay just breathe…. Check the clock… okay now act like you're sleeping…. Even if you don't fall asleep the rest of you will be rested…. Mmm see? Now check the clock… oh just two minutes. Dammit…. Try it again.. Breathing… breathing… this really can't go on forever.. It's peaked by now… I'm pretty sure I don't feel as stoned as I did before… unless that's just 'cause I'm stoned… no that makes no sense … check the clock… FUCK!
****** this is fiction of course.
Summer 2007?
"Ahhhaahahahahah! Me too." he struggled to make his long frame comfortable on the foam cushions we had draped a quilt over in the tent. Watching him I could see him repeat the same shift over and over exactly the same every time but never seeming to be right. "Or tang."
"You want me to go make you some tang, baby?" I tried to ignore the monologue that had been running in my head ever since that second hit.
Whoooah…I'm stoned….the thing of it is everything reverbrates….reverberates…reverbrates…fuck what is it? Echos…no that's not it…re….ver…ber….ates….. In and out, in and out… waves…. a stone in the water, the ripples in… verberates…. invertebrates…… snort….. whoosh… can he tell I'm freaking out? Shit…he's going to try and calm me down…don't freak out!…..just be cool no more word shit…what is he doing anyway? How can he just sit there a big puddle of stoned? Oh there it is….he's invertebrated and I'm reverberating…see still have it… I'm cool….. just a lil stoned…. no I mean inebriated don't I?… *sigh* …..does anyone ever mean anything anyway? Nothing means anything… I wonder if there's smoking in the tent. *chortle* well there's already been smoking in the tent he can hardly argue that…. Dammit I don't have my smokes out here. I knew we weren't ready for this.. No smokes, no dew what were we THINKING?…*giggles*
"No, but some dew would be great." He finally answered me.
Jeezus christ, what was he- napping, all that time?
"You don't think I can manage to make good tang, do you?" I accused "You think I'm too stoned!"
Oh gawd I'm a harpy, and I'm loud! So fucking LOUD! we better shut up. Just go get dew and write down that thing about the re-ever-brations before you lose it. Lose it .. I lost it a long time ago! I wonder if I could mix dew WITH tang… Hmmmm….. That might be fantastic! Just a scoop or four in the dew….
"Ahahahahahaha! Noooo baby! I know you can make tang. You can make anything."
"Damn straight I can." I nodded assuredly.
Shit he's looking at me funny… all puppy eyed… awww he loves me… look at him… a big giant man sitting there, what the hell am I doing in this tent with a big giant man? I mean who is he anyway? Who does he think I am? Who is anyone? Fuck that's too heavy.. Chill out Dew(ed)! We're just thirsty that's all, and you need a smoke.
"Okay, then. I'm going to go in there now…" Suddenly I was struck by the situation again when I tried to extricate myself from the foam in order to stand up, the sides of the tent were flapping with the summer breeze outside and I only made it half way up before collapsing in laughter back on the make-shift couch.
"What?…." he was already laughing "What's so funny?"
"We're in a tent…." I gasped between hyena howls "a fucking TENT!" he nodded encouragement, hoping I would manage to finish, I guessed. "We have an entire HOUSE! With dishes and furniture and kids and lights and and and EVERYTHING! We have everything! And we're out here hiding in a tent!"
"I know!" he said as though he had already thought it. "and we're so thirsty!"
"Alright… I'll go. I'll be right back." I spoke as though the question of who would go had been up in the air, as though it might not be smart to leave a man behind, as though I was about to make a journey I might not return from. The zippers on the tent didn't want to cooperate. I tugged and shimmied them but then felt as though this were a scene being filmed or on stage, that if I continued to take so long it would fuck with the momentum of the plot so I ended up sliding out under them as though I had been locked in a bathroom stall. Outside the air was cool and refreshing, I took big gulps and concentrated on stepping lightly over the deck to the backdoor. It slid open amazingly smoothly.
The kitchen was bright and clean. I took some time choosing glasses, wondering if plastic might not be smarter to take outside then reminding myself we were grown ups and if we couldn't handle glasses by now we never would.
Besides, what could happen, it's not like we're going to throw the glasses! ahahah! We might throw them at the fence. I love that sound, glass shattering... but then we would have to break all the plates. aww that would be sad we would need all new plates or we would have to serve the kids food on the table ahahahah on the table! the fucking table! that's crazy we would never do that. Why did I even think that? ahahah I'm stoned.
Then I remembered to write something down to trigger my memory later.
Paper… there! In the printer… pencil… why is it there's never a goddamn pencil in this house that's sharp? Wait there's one…. Okay…
I began to scratch out some thoughts but the graphite on the paper was scraping against my neck and all the way up and down my back aggravating me.
Fuck! How do people walk around like this all day long? I have to hurry up and get back out there, how long have I been in here? He's going to come looking for me, wondering why I can't even pour dew!
I crumpled the paper and put it in the compost bowl. Slowly I lifted the two glasses and made my way out across the deck, finding he had unzipped the doors on the tent for me. I wondered if he would mention my inability to unzip them or not. "Hey, sorry it took so long. I tried to write something down to remember it and I had to stop. It was KILLING me." I paused to eyeball his reaction. He didn't appear to think I was crazy but then again he hadn't appeared to be anything but slightly amused since we started this. "Do you know what I mean? It was actually scratching at me while I tried to write! Do you know what I mean? I mean do you really really get it?"
"Yeah! I know exactly what you mean, you could feel the sound."
"YES!! That's exactly it!" I was tremendously relieved he understood me.
Unless he didn't. I mean sure he said that but does he really know? Fuck shut up! This is why you're no freaking fun! No! Stop that too. Dammit. I should smoke.
"What's the matter?" he asked
"Umm it's like when you get on a ride and suddenly you decide you want off but it's too late."
"Oh." he responded. I knew he had never wanted off a ride in his life.
"I'm cool. I just want to go smoke."
"Okay."
See now you've spoiled it. Shut up I have not. Just go smoke a cigarette, drink your dew and chill out. You can decide how you want it to be. Just act the part and that's how it will be. Besides this can't last forever… how long does it last? Hmmm can't remember… was this fun back in the day? Why do people find this fun? Good gawd this is NOT fun. Mmmmm smoking is good. I bet I smoke too many cigarettes tonight. No don't. your throat will hurt tomorrow. But I'm stoned! I NEED to smoke! Where the hell did he go? Fuck, is he going to go to bed? What am I going to do? I wonder what I used to do… damn that cigarette went fast. Too fast. Maybe I'll have one more. No. go inside and find him, it's better to stay busy and distracted.
When I got in the house he was shutting up all the windows. I figured he wanted to go to bed and suddenly knew it was the thing to do.
Maybe bed is the perfect thing! That's IT I'll just sleep it off. Awesome. Good. Bed is good. I love bed. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Bed is so freaking good. I love bed. I'll just drink a glass of water and go to bed!
I went about the usual routine of shutting the house down before bed. Closing windows, locking doors, turning out lights and when all was as it should be I ended up in the bedroom.
"Hi." he looked surprised to see me.
"Getting in bed?" my voice came out bright and cheerful with a false edge, like a parody of a fifties sitcom.
"….. okay." It was days later when he told me he had been getting ready to put a movie on. I have no idea why he just went along with me and turned out the light. Or why he was shutting all the windows on a hot summer night if he wasn't going to bed.
"Okay!" I pulled back the bedding in a neat triangle, pounded my pillow a few times and climbed into the giant bed.
Oh wow.. This is good. So soft. Sheets on skin that really is amazing. I should have taken my clothes off. Way too much work to do it now… no matter this is really good , just gotta smooth that crease, mmhmmm that's perfect .. except no..not quite there yet... Mmmm okay, roll this way.. Yep arm under pillow… this is fantastic… nothing to worry about…Breathing, I'm breathing. In and out, in and out. Wow that sheet is going to come loose that's covering the skylight, damn… I wonder if he's noticed… fuck no he hasn't noticed. Of course not, why would he notice? Maybe I should say something… wouldn't want it falling on us.. We might think we were suffocating or something.. No better not, he'll stack a chair on the bed again he's too stoned for that even if it would be so fuckin' funny…. Ahahaha I should tell him but then he might do it. Dammit does he have to do everything I say? Wow … he's breathing loud. Is he asleep already? How can he sleep? We didn't even say goodnight! Wait maybe we did.. I think we did. Aww that's kinda sweet… Oh no.. I can't sleep. So thirsty. A walk might help.
I swung out of the bed too fast and had to steady myself a few moments, causing him to shoot up on his side of the bed looking terrified.
"I need water!" I explained in a panicked tone, as if he had been responsible for hydration and was fucking nuts to let us down. Then I was scurrying down the hall to the kitchen.
Wow I'm like a little rodent, sneaking around the house… ahahaha! A rodent.. That's sick that's really fucking sick Dew(ed) trying to really freak out , arnt ya? Can't just chill a bit can ya? knock it off already. Hey wow, I can feel all my muscles.. And they feel hot… I'm totally hot! That must be why I'm thirsty… so hot I'm drying inside out or something … really nice calves all shiny and brown.. I love summer.. Summer is good. And hot. And thirsty. It's a good thing we're hot.. Aww man what if we were really ugly! And what if it was way more noticeable because we were stoned…? that would suck. Thank god we're hot. Ahahahaha! Of course you think that, you're stoned! Even if you weren't, even though you totally are, you wouldn't KNOW it! Hahaahahahaa… still, I'm way thirsty.. Water should be running cold by now… oh shit.. Hafta turn it the other way … whew! Glad I noticed that… could have been standing here until the hot water heater ran out… ahahah no he would come stop me. There's the cold water.. Finally.
I filled a glass with water, gulped it, refilled it, swallowed it reverently and filled the glass again.
Wonder if I should bring him a glass…. I can't carry two!! I'm barely managing here as it is! Shit every man for himself… Fuckers going to drink all my damn water though, I tell you what. No he won't, he'll be sleeping. But what if he does???!! I can share it. Sharing is good. Ahahaha there's plenty of water Dew(ed)! Wow. Has this happened before? This has happened before? Wait what? What happened? This! This feeling, my hair back in this loose knot.. My pajamas just like this.. No these very boxers! What happened to that blue shirt I used to wear with these.. High spandex content so comfy though.. Soft cottony so good…weird arms though.. Yeah got puffy sleeves or something shitty shitty shirt.. Yeah.. But these boxers! Yes! My gawd I'm flashbacking, flashing back.. I'm back… TO THE FUTURE!! Ahahahaah… biff. I love biff. ' hello, mcfly… mcflyyyy!' ahahaha why don't we own that movie? That movie rocks. But what if I can't stop it? What if I lose where I am? Ahahahah.. Shuddap already and think about something else… mcflyyy, mcflyinng! I'm mcflying down the hall!
Bumping along happy with thoughts of the movie I made it back into the covers without incident after spending an eternity carefully balancing my glass on the dresser next to the bed. "Hey.. Ahahahaha… hey.."
"What?" he asked surprisingly alert sounding.
"ahaha never mind.. You had to be there."
Be there? In the fucking kitchen? Ahahahaahaha! Yer so stupid stoned! Wow there's that feeling again.. But am I feeling it again because I AM or because I did earlier and I told myself I would again? Shit, I'm totally crazy high. When am I remembering? ……. Oooohh.. The last time I was this high… yeah … ten years ago.. at LEAST ten years ago.. long long time ago.. Wow.. And him…the old him! Ah no that's not right totally different… is it? oh shit… I better not tell this him, might freak him out and it's just a weird feeling anyway… it's just that "it's all the same fucking day" thing.
"Hey I'm like.. Remembering or something… like I'm ten years ago or something.. Or more years, I don't know. But like I'm doing everything exactly the same as then, ya know? And I can't stop feeling it."
"yeah… I know." he nodded heavily. "I mean.. I know what you mean."
used to do this with the blanket too, when did I stop doing that? Wow… and now I'm doing it again. Or maybe I only notice it when I'm stoned… whoaaaaaah. And that.. His hand.. He used to do that too. Holy shit batman! He's groping me the same fucking way! That's impossible.. I would have noticed before. Unless I did but I forgot. Is this important? Why am I thinking this? Oh just a pat or something.. Okay. He thinks I'm freaking out. I am freaking out. No I'm not. The hand didn't feel half bad. I wonder…. Oh that's right! He's never done it stoned!! Ahahaha! Wait maybe I don't want to… hmm better check. Seems like moisture could be an issue. Where did I put my glass? Oh there it is.. Damn it's on the edge of the dresser. That's dangerous, someone could really get wet. Ahahaha.. That's the plan stan. Ahahaha I sound like a total stoner.. Aahahhahah I AM a total stoner…
I gulped the entire glass down. "wow, I haven't had this much water all at once since I was pregnant!" I informed him before getting cocooned in the covers again.
"That's good!" he said, proud as punch. As if being stoned was perfectly healthy as long as it made you drink water.
Okay.. Let's see here… system check… yep.. That's working.. That's working really well… I should have been doing this all along! But what about the moisture… I don't know if there's any lube around… oh.. Nope don't need it….
"Hey.. Whatcha doing over there?" he was grinning at me in the dim light. "Need any help with that?"
Busted! Ahahahaa! He totally busted me touching myself. Hmmmm… guess I can't exactly seduce him sexily now. Whoa.. I had a plan and didn't even know it! But now I know exactly what I was going to do, there's an image, I'm crawling up on him.. Long hair swinging down I can SEE it sliding across his skin, no… nope.. That's a dream I had…. Not him. Anyway he loves me touching myself. Maybe that counts and anyway there's no stopping now…no way at all I'm stopping this no matter what he thinks…. oh look at him, he's so excited… whoah… too excited almost……so eager. Wow. What is with that. Good gawd… you don't have to like me that much, for heaven's sake show some restraint it's suffocating……Except I'm eager too. Eager beaver ahahahahaha that's where that came from! Jeesus christ, how many hands do we have down there!
I realized we were fighting over contact down below and went ahead and let him have full access. Gave me the opportunity to grab the bottom of my shirt, yanking it up and over my head in one smooth jerk that sent it sailing across the room. It made a flap-thump sound against the wall and slid down to the laundry pile.
Yes! Even stoned! I fucking rock! Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm there's that skin on skin, love my nipples against his chest, like stars in a sky, oh shit, Still so thirsty.. Wonder if we can stop for a water break, no don't stop do not stop this is way too good to stop but maybe I can just reach the glass and have a drink in the meanwhile…he won't mind and then I can carry on while he has a drink… so strange mouth so dry and everything else so damn wet…. Moisture has been redirected to other mouth ACK don't think that MY GAWD! Not a mouth, not a mouth, *hungry too ahahaha shuddap!* not a mouth, just wet… very very wet… this is so damn good! wait what's he doing? Don't stop!
His fingers tugged the elastic waistband of my boxers so far it was as though I walked right out of them, hands on his broad shoulders for balance. My toes found the edge of his boxer-briefs and I gripped the elastic tightly, sliding the shorts all the way down to his feet so he could kick them away; his feet making a frantic paddling motion at the bottom of the bed.
He's swimming in the wet! Ahahahaaa! And look, my bodies just doing, I don't even have to direct it or anything, amazing! This is almost like with ….. No stop it don't go there…and that was not being stoned at all…oh shit… almost time…no not yet, I want that other kind…dammit, what is he still doing? Obviously this is not the time to dink around down there, put it in now already, now now now now now, just put it in, fuck! Oh jeezus when I find whoever spread that foreplay is everything bullshit around I will strangle them! Think on your feet for crying out loud.. Oh wait he's probable just stuck in a stoner repeat thing… hafta shake him loose…..
I used every ounce of umph I had to yank him on top of me, my hands immediately guiding him to the entrance. He hesitated for long rippling moments. There came that sensation again, the awareness of his physical self, the feeling that he was all man with a core of little boy. His weight was hovering there above me, poised and I had no idea what he was thinking. Our breath came panting out of us, measuring the moments in exertion, in an eternity of anticipation and desire.
Do it, just do it, I want you to do it already…it's so much better if you do it, why don't you do it? oh shit, what if he's having trouble… what's the etiquette here? If he can't, what about me, oh my gawd! I'll have to pretend I don't even really WANT to! Oh but I do do do want to… and it's gotta be the real deal has to be real human flesh…..has to be that spot…fuck I hope he finds that spot and doesn't stop this time….Wait but he seemed ready… shit… he's absolutely ready dammit I'll just have to do it myself.
I lifted my legs higher and grabbed his backside forcefully, pulling him into me in one smooth glide all the way to there, yes that spot there!, until our pelvises rested against one another, thinking 'There. That should do it.', and it did indeed get the ball rolling rather nicely but it still just wasn't enough. This night, this stoned there was no way I was taking anything less than exactly what I wanted, wasn't going to be polite. Soon my body was finding positions I had never even tried with him before, positions from eons ago when size was an issue, encouraging him to get the best possible deep penetration with each thrust.
Oh yes, this is exactly it… don't stop oh for gawds sake don't do that thing where you think it's too soon and change rhythm suddenly…. Just keep going….I'll come with you….. Yes right there….so close… so fucking close…..
With my legs so far in the air I pulled a retired Dew(ed) move out of the vault and reached around for his balls, to pull them down slightly ensuring he would go over the edge exactly when I wanted to. He did and I did…
Ahhhh…. That's wonderful…. Love that kind of orgasm… almost the best even… mmm…maybe now I can sleep…
We tumbled around in the bed a bit, rearranging covers, giggling at one another and stretching our entire bodies before finding our way to the spots we sleep in. He kept giving me the 'I don't even know who you were just now but I sure liked it' faces that made me wonder if he thought this would be a trend.
"Are you going to sleep now?" I asked him.
"Yeah, I think so." I felt his smile in the dark. He was easily as happy and relaxed as I'd ever known him to be.
"Okay. I think I can sleep now too." I rolled over, finding the blankets I needed for between my legs and burrowing my head around on the pillow.
Mmmm… felt so good. Glad I'm relaxed now. I'm sure I can sleep now. Wait, I've thought that before. That's EXACTLY what I always used to think! Maybe I should go smoke… you are practically required to smoke after sex like that.. No I can't go out there, who knows when I'll get back and I really need some rest, my gawd I'm so fucking tired I just want some damn rest!..
Wait….oh my…. Yeah… that's what it is… should do that again! Fuck he's sleeping!!!! Dammit…. Okay just breathe…. Check the clock… okay now act like you're sleeping…. Even if you don't fall asleep the rest of you will be rested…. Mmm see? Now check the clock… oh just two minutes. Dammit…. Try it again.. Breathing… breathing… this really can't go on forever.. It's peaked by now… I'm pretty sure I don't feel as stoned as I did before… unless that's just 'cause I'm stoned… no that makes no sense … check the clock… FUCK!
****** this is fiction of course.
Summer 2007?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Dental Hijinks
Last Wednesday I had to go to the dentist to have my wisdom teeth removed. About an hour before the appointment I took the sedative the Dr. (snort- dr. *eyes rolling* I know, but they like to be called that) had prescribed and at some point The Man talked me into getting in the car and before I knew it I was in the cushy chaise lounge style chair, wearing giant dorky sunglasses while they put another crushed up sedative under my tongue.
As I lay there, enjoying my near out of body experience and wondering if the stink coming from the hole in the hose over my nose was really doing anything it occurred to me; I could totally have done this myself!
Seriously, the dental industry is a racket, people! Think about it! It's insane. They have convinced people to march in there every six months and let them scrape our teeth with a metal hook. Like I can't get my own metal hook. We’re so busy being grateful they allow us a tiny vacuum to collect our accumulating spit we don’t think about how crazy it is! Then we allow them to drape a fifty pound vest over us and take x-rays that only reveal….. the metal hook isn't working; we have cavities!
At my last cleaning they sent this perky dental assistant in to school me on the disgusting world of bacteria lurking in our mouths. She took a sample from my mouth and excitedly leaned over a microscope for twenty minutes only to sigh and say "Sorry, there's usually some really nasty creatures but I can't find any on your slide." I tried to hide my relief, to avoid hurting her feelings and pretended I had been hoping for some real beasties in there. I've always been a nervous tester. She assured me that when I brought my kids in for their appointments there was sure to be hoards of bacteria on their teeth and it would be a great show. Get back here, I know that's disgusting that's my point people! And I'm not finished telling you about my "surgery".
So while they removed my smart molars I figured out, (the hippies were right drugs do expand your mind) the only thing that keeps us going to a dentist for this sort of procedure is the drugs. If you could get the drugs and do it in the privacy and comfort of your own home you would. Well not you, when I say you I mean me….. Or I…. whatever the sentence calls for.
And when I say me or I, I mean The Man. This is how I would do it: I would take the first sedative and then The Man would crush the second one up with our oh-so-trendy pepper grinder. Once I was comfortably resting on the couch, he would place it under my tongue and put his tinted safety glasses from work on me. I'm sure chip clips would keep a paper towel around my neck, they manage to keep the chips crispy. As I mentioned above, I'm pretty sure the funny gas tube wasn't doing anything for me but stinking so we could cut a hole in the hose attachment on the vacuum and that would provide the odor. Actually our odor might actually knock me all the way out. Then he would put the shots in with those handy shot shooter things they use now. Finally, he would use some kind of metal object (I couldn't exactly make it out, that's why they put the glasses on you, to keep you from realizing it's a pair of pliers!) to pluck the teeth from my jaw. One of my wisdom teeth gave my dentist some trouble. It had grown in sideways so he used a little saw to cut it in half before plucking it out. I think the awesome dremel kit that The Man gave me will come in handy for those kinds of situations. Finally, The Man would stitch me up and give me vicodin before the shot shooter wore off.
It's really that simple, folks. Maybe the problem with the health system isn't insurance, it's lack of a can-do attitude. I wish I had pictures to share but none of my family members were thoughtful enough to take pictures of what I thought might be my last moments. Your loss., my gain? Oh and this blog would be tongue in cheek except I'm still a little nervous about exploring my mouth too closely. Who knows what those crazy SOBs did to me.
********************************************************************************
My sisters original comment was worth including:
“You are so convinced that the gastruous odor wasn't working. Let's refresh your memory: You, fumbling around face in a panic yelling, "what's this? what is this? WHAT IS THIS?!?" Us, trying to hide our snickers, "umm, Dew(ed). That's your lip."
Posted by Mellow(d) on Tuesday, August 14, 2007 - 3:54 PM
August 2007
As I lay there, enjoying my near out of body experience and wondering if the stink coming from the hole in the hose over my nose was really doing anything it occurred to me; I could totally have done this myself!
Seriously, the dental industry is a racket, people! Think about it! It's insane. They have convinced people to march in there every six months and let them scrape our teeth with a metal hook. Like I can't get my own metal hook. We’re so busy being grateful they allow us a tiny vacuum to collect our accumulating spit we don’t think about how crazy it is! Then we allow them to drape a fifty pound vest over us and take x-rays that only reveal….. the metal hook isn't working; we have cavities!
At my last cleaning they sent this perky dental assistant in to school me on the disgusting world of bacteria lurking in our mouths. She took a sample from my mouth and excitedly leaned over a microscope for twenty minutes only to sigh and say "Sorry, there's usually some really nasty creatures but I can't find any on your slide." I tried to hide my relief, to avoid hurting her feelings and pretended I had been hoping for some real beasties in there. I've always been a nervous tester. She assured me that when I brought my kids in for their appointments there was sure to be hoards of bacteria on their teeth and it would be a great show. Get back here, I know that's disgusting that's my point people! And I'm not finished telling you about my "surgery".
So while they removed my smart molars I figured out, (the hippies were right drugs do expand your mind) the only thing that keeps us going to a dentist for this sort of procedure is the drugs. If you could get the drugs and do it in the privacy and comfort of your own home you would. Well not you, when I say you I mean me….. Or I…. whatever the sentence calls for.
And when I say me or I, I mean The Man. This is how I would do it: I would take the first sedative and then The Man would crush the second one up with our oh-so-trendy pepper grinder. Once I was comfortably resting on the couch, he would place it under my tongue and put his tinted safety glasses from work on me. I'm sure chip clips would keep a paper towel around my neck, they manage to keep the chips crispy. As I mentioned above, I'm pretty sure the funny gas tube wasn't doing anything for me but stinking so we could cut a hole in the hose attachment on the vacuum and that would provide the odor. Actually our odor might actually knock me all the way out. Then he would put the shots in with those handy shot shooter things they use now. Finally, he would use some kind of metal object (I couldn't exactly make it out, that's why they put the glasses on you, to keep you from realizing it's a pair of pliers!) to pluck the teeth from my jaw. One of my wisdom teeth gave my dentist some trouble. It had grown in sideways so he used a little saw to cut it in half before plucking it out. I think the awesome dremel kit that The Man gave me will come in handy for those kinds of situations. Finally, The Man would stitch me up and give me vicodin before the shot shooter wore off.
It's really that simple, folks. Maybe the problem with the health system isn't insurance, it's lack of a can-do attitude. I wish I had pictures to share but none of my family members were thoughtful enough to take pictures of what I thought might be my last moments. Your loss., my gain? Oh and this blog would be tongue in cheek except I'm still a little nervous about exploring my mouth too closely. Who knows what those crazy SOBs did to me.
********************************************************************************
My sisters original comment was worth including:
“You are so convinced that the gastruous odor wasn't working. Let's refresh your memory: You, fumbling around face in a panic yelling, "what's this? what is this? WHAT IS THIS?!?" Us, trying to hide our snickers, "umm, Dew(ed). That's your lip."
Posted by Mellow(d) on Tuesday, August 14, 2007 - 3:54 PM
August 2007
Monday, January 1, 2007
Push, Pull, Pop, Toss
The weed hound is therapeutic. You can go out in the yard and eyeball the weeds, find the center and stomp the tool on ‘em. Then pull it back up and pop the fucker out. That’s what I was doing when he came out to sit on the deck and soak up some sun. He was watching me. It had to be ten minutes. I didn’t say a word. Just push pull, pop and toss. I can invent a lifetime of understanding in his silences. I can pin point the weed, push it down and pull it out. I only miss the root because it’s in me.
The sun was hot and I stopped to peel my sweatshirt over my head and throw it his direction. I was annoyed he would sit and watch me "work." I was annoyed he was there, needing something from me. He mirrored me and stripped down to the skin, leaning back on his arms, squinting through the sun toward me. This silence seemed even deeper than usual.
I was getting twitchy with the idea that he might actually see me. It was possible that he knew. He could even ask me. I decided if he did I would tell him. I ran the conversation in my head a few times. Every time I told him, it was a relief.
I stopped to stretch out my back and suddenly he broke in on my thoughts. “Maybe I should buy a trampoline.”
I leaned on the weed hound and stared at him. “Okay.”
Push, pull, pop, toss.
2007
The sun was hot and I stopped to peel my sweatshirt over my head and throw it his direction. I was annoyed he would sit and watch me "work." I was annoyed he was there, needing something from me. He mirrored me and stripped down to the skin, leaning back on his arms, squinting through the sun toward me. This silence seemed even deeper than usual.
I was getting twitchy with the idea that he might actually see me. It was possible that he knew. He could even ask me. I decided if he did I would tell him. I ran the conversation in my head a few times. Every time I told him, it was a relief.
I stopped to stretch out my back and suddenly he broke in on my thoughts. “Maybe I should buy a trampoline.”
I leaned on the weed hound and stared at him. “Okay.”
Push, pull, pop, toss.
2007
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