......I would like clarity to be more than a mood. Still- I reject it as a lifestyle.
Tell me so I can deny it.
Show me so I can close my eyes.
Hear me so I can shut up.
Give me a mirror so I can turn on the shower and draw pictures in the steam.
I don’t seem to have anything to write anymore. Not sure what genre I’m living in. Character motivation is unclear. I’m seasons ahead and lack the skill for a catch you all up montage.
I imagine you’ll muddle through or fuck off. I’m ambivalent about your decision.
It’s 1:13 am. I have no business being awake. In a few short hours I will have to drive The Man to work. It’s spring break so I’m hoping my children will be willing to have a nap when we get back. I’m insane to even entertain that as fantasy. Seriously. Ahahahahhaha! It’s like it’s my first day of motherhood! “motherhood” jesus. Not quite the ghetto yet not so superbia.
I kid. Twice. Heh. *remind me to send Insomnia a thank you note. This is fun.
I’m not sure if my incredible ability to hold this idea of what should be over what is has been my downfall or my savior. Also I used to think it was pulling me up and now I’m kinda wondering if it might be the incredible weight on top of me. Ack. This feels like it might be going somewhere… quick do the hokey poky and turn myself around. Things are just more interesting if you chase your tail. Ask a dog.
My nine year old has been hinting about wanting the full details on her dad. “Mom, when did you and my dad break up?” “oh. Well. We didn’t break up because we were never exactly a couple.” what? It’s mostly true other than the sex and it certainly sounds better than “I had to move out because he was starting to slam me into walls and disappearing for days on end to do drugs and strippers and what with being pregnant with you I decided it was an inappropriate environment.” *sigh* I’m going to tell her. Really. Soon as I figure out what to say. It’s not that I need it to sound Disney. Just…….
Okay. So I want it to sound Disney. Send seven dwarfs over to remind me how fucked up Walt is anyway. I’m sure I’ll get over it one of these days.
Yesterday my three year old was begging to play a video game he found in the entertainment center. I told him it was too violent and to pick a different one. He hit me with the case.
On Saturday I got to plant flowers. I was watering them in after and for a moment I felt peaceful. I know this because I was standing there holding the watering can and I realized I felt something and I wasn’t even sure what it was. I had to stand there and try to figure out what was so fucking wonderful. It was the flowers. They’re bright and colorful and I knew what they needed and how they should go and nobody else gave a damn how I did it and I did everything right and they were.. Happy. If flowers can be happy. And I was okay. I mean really actually okay. Calm. And …… forgive me for this… “centered.” It was one of the best gifts I’ve had in ….. christ. My life. Thank you.
March 22, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Timmy Popped Corn and I Don't Care
“This could use some butter. Not a lot but some.”
“But I salted it.”
“Sure, I said butter.”
“But I already salted it. Isn’t the butter just for the salt in it?”
“What? No. The salt is good but it needs some butter. Salt is not butter. Butter is not liquid salt. It’s not like you salt your toast!”
“You put butter on toast ‘cause it softens it.”
“Nooo. You put butter on toast because it’s delicious.”
“Well I thought it was the same thing.”
“Now you know butter.”
March 14, 2010
“But I salted it.”
“Sure, I said butter.”
“But I already salted it. Isn’t the butter just for the salt in it?”
“What? No. The salt is good but it needs some butter. Salt is not butter. Butter is not liquid salt. It’s not like you salt your toast!”
“You put butter on toast ‘cause it softens it.”
“Nooo. You put butter on toast because it’s delicious.”
“Well I thought it was the same thing.”
“Now you know butter.”
March 14, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Ruminative
I’m angry.
I know it’s propelling me backwards, the toilet spinning the Aussie way and I can’t help it.
I don’t even want to help it. Me! Mine! My turn!
I’m too pissed off to do what I’m supposed to do. For anyone.
And all this knowledge, this knowing that it really doesn’t matter which way the water goes down, it just makes me angrier.
I would like to know less. I would like to be less.
“And here are your wings. Nice spread. I think you’ll be very happy with them.”
“Oh .. I don’t know if I want to fly… well maybe… yes I think I might.”
“Before you go… Here’s your weight.”
“Oh. Shit.”
*spiral flush*
My thinking isn’t off exactly. It’s just that it’s impossible
I don’t feel idealistic. I feel…Willing.
Willing and Unable Alone.
March 07, 2010
I know it’s propelling me backwards, the toilet spinning the Aussie way and I can’t help it.
I don’t even want to help it. Me! Mine! My turn!
I’m too pissed off to do what I’m supposed to do. For anyone.
And all this knowledge, this knowing that it really doesn’t matter which way the water goes down, it just makes me angrier.
I would like to know less. I would like to be less.
“And here are your wings. Nice spread. I think you’ll be very happy with them.”
“Oh .. I don’t know if I want to fly… well maybe… yes I think I might.”
“Before you go… Here’s your weight.”
“Oh. Shit.”
*spiral flush*
My thinking isn’t off exactly. It’s just that it’s impossible
I don’t feel idealistic. I feel…Willing.
Willing and Unable Alone.
March 07, 2010
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