Creepy Septic Problems

Jeremiah the septic guy is creepy. What? You would have guessed that?  OoooooOOOOooooh *full body wriggle* You’re such the smarty-pants.  Well I had no idea. I mean already I knew I wouldn’t like it. Strangers coming over and fixing things is uncomfortable. Answering the door is awkward. Yes, yes I realize I’m a decade’s supply of saved magazines away from being a shut in. fuck off.

He showed up in his van (LATE!) and called me. From my drive way.  *eyes* 

“Hey it’s Jeremiah the creepy septic dude,”  okay so maybe he didn’t SAY that. Maybe I discerned it when I glanced out the window in the computer closet to observe him down below staring at me on his cell phone in his van calling me. “Yeah am I at the right house?”

Dude. You can see me. I can see you. Let’s not pretend.

“I’ll be right down.”

So I run down the stairs and I open the back (front) door to let him in …. and then I have to stand there for ten minutes while he chirps back and forth on his Nextel with someone…. Probably he was making sure someone would know where he was… since he didn’t.  Finally he manages to wobble-roll his way out of the van and make his way over to me. He looks like a weeble. A super shiny bald weeble.

“Yeah so I don’t really know anything about this… I assume the management company told you what the problem is?”  I mutter while avoiding prolonged creepy eye contact and take him down to the scary scary dark basement I haven’t cleaned out… oh I don’t know since never. There’s a giant mountain of laundry near the washing machine which is right by the downstairs sink which is where he wants to look of course. “I stopped doing laundry and dishes and stuff so it slowly drained but when we use water the sink fills up…” I manage to slide the mountain over all huffing and puffing like and he makes a bizarre humpty dumpty sort of noise like HE’S fucking doing it or just gets off watching girls try to slide mounds of laundry across basement floors. He‘s JUST. THAT. CREEPY.

He tells me to fill up the bathtub and then drain it. So I run upstairs and do that. Then he freaks because I did it. “I didn’t know you were going to drain it.. right then! We’ve got problems now!” Tool! Of course we have problems! That’s why you’re here!

Why is it that people hired to fix a problem always assume you’re making the problem up??? Doctors. Mechanics. Shrinks. All of ‘em.

So I get the hell out of his way and sorta say hey dude do what you need to do - you’re the creepy septic guy - not me. and I wander off to hide in the computer closet with Deon.

Then he finds us. *screaming and arm flapping*  Creepy septic guy found creepy shut ins!

“I found the problem. You’ve gotta come see this.”

For the record. When a creepy septic guy says this you should say “no thanks!”  but creepy shut ins are not that skilled in human interaction to know this. So we followed him outside to peer down into the septic tank. As if that wouldn’t always look like a problem to me. So I’m standing there looking down at…. Well I don’t even want to know what, wondering why we have to hold hands with the creepy septic guy while he does his job.  Honestly I don’t give a flying fuck how the pipes work or where the shit goes. I just want to take a goddamn shower.  So when we don’t give whatever response it was that he was hoping for he finally says….

“It’s full.”

“it’s new.”

“yes but it’s full.”

“But it’s new.”

He gestures at the nasty below. “But it’s FULL.”

“what are you saying creepy septic dude?”

“It’s full.”

“Well. I just rent here.”

"I called the management people.”

“Okay.” Deon and I slowly edged away from the creepy septic hole, the creepy septic guy and his creepy septic van while creepy septic guy went on and on about drain fields and flushing and creepy septic whatnot.

Luckily my landlord is also my neighbor and we were saved when he came over to see about the problem. He probably smelled the creepy all way over at his place. So we scuttled back into the house and let him deal with creepy septic guy who just wouldn't fucking leave. Even after the landlord ascertained the creep of the dude and told him he was going to use the company that put the septic tank in and not him.

Meanwhile… if they don’t fucking fix this soon I’m going to be creepy septic girl.  *longs for shower* 

February 10, 2010