A i n ’ t n o s u n s h i n e w h e n s h e ’ s g o n e
We were in the backyard, refugees among the pristine landscape he designed, when she asked me.
I t ’ s n o t w a r m w h e n s h e ’ s a w a y
Even as I let her sorrow splash down over me, once again feeling the suffocation of an eldest child turned parental confidant I didn’t anticipate the added weight her query placed on my sternum.
A i n ’ t n o s u n s h i n e w h e n s h e ’ s g o n e
“I don’t know what to do.” her eyes implored me, looking for a release. “Do you think we should go, move away?” Her body was tight and I could see the strain, the tight strand between being our mother and being his wife ready to snap.
A n d s h e ’ s a l w a y s g o n e t o o l o n g
“We can’t go on like this.” I muttered lamely. The best course of action was to state the obvious. Let her bounce the thoughts off me, try to be the rubber from that old children’s rhyme
A n y t i m e s h e g o e s a w a y
and avoid any responsibility for the aching rip forming where it had folded more times than even rubber could take.
W o n d e r t h i s t i m e w h e r e s h e ’ s g o n e
Moving seemed the only course of action that might let us all start again, might allow our wounds a chance to heal.
W o n d e r i f s h e ’ s g o n e t o s t a y
I didn’t know we could never move far enough to stop hearing the music.
A i n ’ t n o s u n s h i n e w h e n s h e ’ s g o n e
It was pouring from the house through the windows left open to allow summers’ lazy attempt at an evening breeze to enter the airless home.
A n d t h i s h o u s e j u s t a i n t n o h o m e
He was there. He will always be there in my mind, trapped in the choice I made.
A n y t i m e s h e g o e s a w a y
It was important to track his movements, and I watched through the windows as he made his way back toward an ashtray and carefully tapped the ash from the end of his cigarette.
I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w
I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w
I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w
I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w I k n o w
I saw the way he shook his head along to the “I know-I know-I know-I knows” in the soul ripping song as he stumbled with alcohol enhanced emotion before lowering himself into the wicker chair and cracking the top on a fresh, cold can of beer.
H e y I w a n n a l e a v e t h e y o u n g t h i n g a l o n e ,
b u t t h e r e a i n t n o s u n s h i n e w h e n s h e ’ s g o n e
His attempt to send the despair outward by blasting the music would fail. All of his attempts to escape, numb, or ignore the blanket of depression failed.
A i n t n o s u n s h i n e w h e n s h e ’ s g o n e
She drew me back outside, into her. “I just don’t think I can help him anymore.” her voice shook with the effort of containing the guilt beast but she swallowed it down, it was an innate ability I never mastered.
O n l y d a r k n e s s e v e r y d a y
“You can’t change other people, Mom. You can only change yourself.” I still retained the ability of a child to state great truths without knowing the more subtle nuances they foretold.
A i n t n o s u n s h i n e w h e n s h e ’ s g o n e
She nodded and wiped tears from her face with shaky hands. It was getting dark and she sent me away so she could think. There were things to put in boxes, and changes to make.
A n d t h i s h o u s e j u s t a i n t n o h o m e
I couldn’t find a way to approach him. He had a way of sitting in the dark I didn’t want to see.
A n y t i m e s h e g o e s a w a y
A n y t i m e s h e g o e s a w a y
A n y t i m e s h e g o e s a w a y. . . . . . .
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