Ordinarily I do not write reviews. I prefer not to give much detail regarding my personal opinions, it muddies the waters when all I want is a clear picture and I don’t consider my opinion worthier than any other. However, there comes a time when people must be warned. This is such a time. Unfortunately for you I only ever see a movie after everyone else owns it (if ever) so it’s likely too late to save you from the cinematic horror fest that is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
My gawd people what are you DOING spending your money on this shit? MY GAWD. This is a fucking movie??? This is ENTERTAINMENT?? And honestly I thought this movie might not be half bad. Not just because Mr. Pitt is so easy to look at either.
When The Man and I started the dvd we were rather thrilled to note the warning on our screen that foretold of sex, violence and even *gasp* smoking. Adult movie!! Plug in the neon x’s and the lava lamp! Ready the lube! (hush we have a small life)
Three lifetimes in we realized that even if one of the characters had their head bashed in ala Braveheart while being fucked upside down AND smoking a cigarette it wouldn’t be enough to save this film. We had our eyelids propped open with toothpicks and what do they give us? A couple of bombs going off in the distance, a woman hurriedly extinguishing a fag, and silhouette sex! SILHOUETTE SEX! You have Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett you idiot director movie maker person! These are not people that need to fornicate in the shadows!
I haven’t even started on plausibility. Now I realize I can be very snatchy about suspending my disbelief and often yo-yo it up and down throughout … well life if you want to know the truth but sweet jesus this stretched the boundaries to the point that I’d have to get dipped in holy water and accept Benjamin as my personal savior to believe any of the characters was ever more than one of the little bubbles scribbled out around the big idea of casting Brad Pitt.
Can’t you just see it? They’re sitting around and someone says “hey we have the rights to that Fitzgerald short story we should do something with that.”
“Nah, never work.”
“It’s about some guy aging in reverse, imagine the special effects we could use!”
“Eh. Nobody likes old people”
“We could cast Brad Pitt as the lead!”
“Goddamn it I think you’re onto something. Let’s start shooting tomorrow.”
“Shouldn’t we get a writer?”
“Oh who fucking cares - it’s Brad Pitt!”
Well, I’ll tell you who cares! I fucking care! I’m willing to go ahead and swallow your whale of a tale about some man being born old and dying young but I will not, WILL NOT believe that an ACCENT makes a woman OLD!
AND I care about nudity! I want to SEE IT! I care about violent war scenes and goddamn it that woman wasted most of her cigarette smashing it out in a hurry like that!!
And then… came the end. FINALLY the end was drawing nigh. We knew it was the end because Brad Pitt was all cherub and baby-like nestled in the withered up Cate Blanchett‘s (oh man it looked so real) tender embrace. And holy fuck was it bad. Right after the old biddy said something along the lines of knowing the baby knew who she was (don’t buy it!) and the little fucker died I glanced over at The Man and damn it if he wasn’t attempting to pull the skin off his face in slack jawed horror just like me.
Because damn it all if you’re going to reveal to us that life sucks in forward AND reverse you could at least do it with some fucking violence. Or nudity. Or let a character smoke an entire cigarette in a scene.
But that’s just MY opinion. Don’t let it shade yours.
May 25, 2009
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