Checks and Bad Seeds

A check arrived in the mail today. It will be a turning point. Any improvement I want to make in my life hinges on transportation. I know that. She would be glad I have it. I know she would want me to smile and she would say “this year is going to be different.” And she would say “it was meant to be because you need this.” She would. She would goddamn say that. And I hate it. I barely made myself send off the paperwork that would become a check in the suitable amount to make up for the loss. And now I must take it to the bank and put it in my account where it will change and become mine. I don’t want it.  I’d rather have her. 

You planted a terrible seed in me. I had an empty place and you planted a terrible lie in there. And the worst of it is that I grew it for you. I watered and weeded and pruned and made it in the image you asked for. It twisted and grew gnarled and hideous against the fierce winds of your constant criticism and fear. And you saw that and called it weak and you walked away.

I suppose it’s obvious that when one is naive they probably cannot perceive it. I didn’t know. You told me. And I don’t know why you would do that. It would be naive to think you wanted to protect me.You could have just stayed. It wouldn’t have mattered if you had stayed.