Get Your Own Dew

I don’t like sharing a glass with people. I’m not freaked out about germs or anything, I’d probably French you no problem (total lie don’t fucking touch me)  it’s just that I don’t want you drinking out of my fucking glass. This really only applies to my dew glass.  Early on, in the first house with The Man this drama started. I began buying Mt. Dew in 2 liter bottles and drinking it out of a glass. But I’d come back to my mug and find it less full than before. It started making me crazy. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was happening. I’d pour a mug of dew, take a drink and come back later and it would have one sip left. It was dumbfounding.

Until one day I busted him.

I came around the corner into our TINY kitchen and he was setting the mug down.

“ITS YOU!!! YOU ALL ALONG!”

“Just having some dew.”

“I KNEW IT WASN’T ME! You’re so fucking busted! Leave my dew alone!”

We started having this squabble over and over and over.  I could not understand why he would drink out of my glass. There was no shortage of mugs. (This was during my buy a mug every time I leave the house phase. I don’t know, I was fascinated with mugs and their shapes and colors and handled perfection.) Then at the grocery store when I would stock up on the delicious nectar he would talk about how crazy it was how much dew I drink. EVEN THOUGH HE’S DOWNING 80 PERCENT OF EVERY FUCKING MUG!

And oh how he continues to deny it to this goddamn day. You would not believe the way he can argue and deny the truth … I catch him RED HANDED and he still denies it.  I find the entire thing varying degrees of annoying and actual butt punching rage depending on my mood and the shape the glass or mug is left in when he’s done.

That’s because one of the ways I catch him is that he leaves a lip print. Not a lady lipstick print. (btw ladies that’s fucking nasty I have no idea how you wear that shit) No, his lip prints are bits of food or something horrible. The worst is when I don’t know until MY LIP makes contact and I end up rolling on the floor gagging and rolling in tears.

He’s more careful now. But I know he still does it. And now ON TOP of the fact that I don’t understand why he can’t reach in the cupboard and pour his own glass of dew it angers me on the second level of knowing he knows how much it bothers me and yet he continues to do it as long as he thinks I’m not watching. I mean even you people probably have some idea of how weak my grasp on my own sanity is. Why must he fuck with my head like this?

I thought of this today because he’s started a new thing. He gets his own glass but he chooses one that is identical to mine and he spends the day switching them around on me.

LAWD HELP ME!!!!

And so I post this looking for suggestions. Please don’t waste my time with healthy adult suggestions. I have that covered. What I need are subtle never get caught pranks related to this theme. Those of you who have been around awhile know I CANNOT GET CAUGHT or I will wake up with a dead animal or something else horrific enough to truly get me hospitalized.