Who Are You?

I was on my way outside to smoke when this guy stopped me. “Dew?”

…. uuhhh “yeah. How do you know my name?”

“You don’t remember who I am?” he pretended to be hurt and I could see we were going to have to play the guessing game. Does anyone like that shit? I hate it.

“No. I don’t. How do you know my name?”

“Mr. Nagy?”  he said. But Mr. Nagy was my fifth grade teacher.

“Dude. You recognize me from FIFTH GRADE!?!”

“Yeah. I saw you dancing and I told my buddy “that looks like Dew.” but I told him it couldn’t be you because you’re way too young. You’ve always been scrawny but you look about twenty one out there.” he unzipped my coat while he was talking to look at my tank top and I re-zipped it.

“So ..” I paused awkwardly, still having no idea who he was though he looked familiar. “What’s your name?” I smiled to let him know I realized I was failing and it sure didn‘t reflect on him.

“You don’t know me?” the fucker was not going to tell me and he was betting high that I cared very much. “Who did you have a crush on in fifth grade?”

“I don’t remember. I don’t think I thought about boys much yet.” Unbelievable, he thought what? That I’d been harboring some crush on him for twenty years? “Listen, you wanna come meet my table?” It seemed a reasonable way to break off this awkward conversation and distract him from playing This is Your Life While I Remove Your Clothes with me. So we went.

“Hey guys. This guy remembers how awesome I am from fifth grade!” and I deposited him in a chair next to the birthday girl.

Bars are loud and he was now an entire body away from me so I didn’t have to interact with him again until I over heard Sock’s Mate say “kick your ass.”

So he leans over her to ask me “Will you switch places with her, she thinks I’m talking too close to her and if I keep doing it those guys across the table are going to kick my ass.”

“That’s her boyfriend. I’ll switch but I’m sleeping with his big brother so you’re not going to want to crawl in my lap either.”

“Really?” he asked. I wasn’t sure if he was astounded I had a boyfriend (fifth grade Dew certainly did not ‘go out’ with anyone) or what.

So for twenty minutes or so he told me everyone we might both know from grade school that he had run into since he last saw me and a bunch of other drunken rambling about life living with his mom and whatnot. By now I’ve been informed of his name and I’m getting some memory back and I’m pretty sure I’ve never liked him and further that he didn’t like me then either. It’s amazing what a little  drunkin’ horny adds to my personality.

Across the table The Man’s little brother is watching very close. And I can see that if I make a move beyond leaning all the way away from this guy into Sock’s Mate’s lap that says he should he’ll take care of the fucker  he will.  and it’s cracking me up ‘cause he looks just like The Man. And they both look like giant versions of my son. And I adore them.

Luckily he didn’t have to do that ‘cause down the table a fight broke out. The table was toppled, D was covered in five or ten drinks and a plastic tree took some of Lila’s forehead.  So I didn’t even have to make my way through an awkward no-you-can’t-have-my-number-I hope-it’s-at-least-twenty-years-before-I-see-you-again conversation with my buddy from fifth grade. We were all booted from the club.  Good times.