I backed into The Man’s “baby” No, not one of our kids. I checked and made sure Toddler’s little face was in the back window of the house waving goodbye when I started the car. And no I did not back into myself, though that would be like me. I backed into his car. Not bad. Just kissed it. Well. If you kiss blind and smeary with your ass. I Just spread a little Honda love onto his bumper is all. My brother was in the passenger seat. He said “Did you just hit something?” and then “you hit his car!?”
Probably he said it like that because about half an hour before this I was pulling in the driveway after our trip to the river and I said “You’re in my spot”, referring to where The Man parked his car. He was taking up the entire parking area. Then The Man looked at me incredulously and asked if I really expected him to get out and move his car. For the record I only did AFTER he said that. I was being funny when I said it. He said “well you haven’t been very funny the entire way home so I didn’t know you were being funny” I guess this explains why comedians have someone warm up the crowd before their set. I said something real awful about not knowing I needed to fucking warn him of my impending funny to get him to force his face into some sort of upward motion and we got out of the car all huffy and puffy. So I can see why my brother might think I purposely backed into The Man’s car. For the record I did not. I know you assholes think I did too.
So after that sinking in your guts that happens when you seriously fuck up swirled and stuttered out over my plexi-skin exterior I put it in drive and went forward a bit and then stopped so I could peer down the left side of my car and assess the damage. I didn’t see anything a shopping cart couldn’t inflict and I went to go ahead and pull out ( I was already planning both sides of the conversation The Man and I would have about it later in my head) but The Man came flying out the back door like… well like someone just backed into his car. “HIT AND RUN! YOU WOULD HIT AND RUN ME!?!?”
“I live here.” I pointed out. HIS FACE. My gawd. It was very similar to the face he made when they were trying to stick my spine with the epidural needle and couldn’t find the spot and I asked when someone was going to wipe up the blood dripping down my back into my ass crack. Except there were no kindly nurses to escort him away and feed him cookies this time. I guess I could have but I didn’t. I put my car in park and got out and we rubbed each others paint off our cars. And then he backed up and he stood there. And I stood there. Until finally I said “Kiss me.” sorta mean like. “I backed into your car so just kiss me anyway.”
An eternity passed while we stood there and our entire life got piled up in the space between us and then finally I dragged my feet over all our shit and when I ended up in front of him he awkwardly leaned over and around all of it and kissed me. I climbed back in my car and drove away.
I plan to handle any future accidents this way as well. Strangers or not.
May 31, 2009
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