"So I Stand in the Sun"

I only don’t write when I have too much to say or anything at all to say really. I never say much here; All the words swinging around the sharp curves of body but never the face. Never the give it all away eyes.

All the bottles are full and to even blow a hesitant breath across them… it’s too dangerous. The risk of knocking a single bottle is enormous. I could send them all splashing and shattering everywhere and I don’t know who I would be standing there in the sticky broken mess. I don’t know what would be left of me or if I would like me if I stopped holding it all together.

This last weekend I went to visit my extended family. It wasn’t a happy visit. My Grandma Great died. She was over one hundred years old. There’s some question over her exact birth date. I suppose if you live long enough no one can prove you were born anymore. Looking around at my relations at the services you could certainly see that she had lived. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what it’s for.

I keep catching the echo of conversations from long ago. The tail end of a memory spinning out before it fades.  An ancient childhood argument with my dad, I think. The words “I didn’t ask to be born”  and his face and the way I still don’t understand.

I can’t seem to gather my thoughts and shred them up with words into a nice neat pile of confetti to toss around and play with in here anymore. Trying that stream of thought technique here. I don’t like it; I’m not in charge and I don’t know where we’re going.

My dad turned up at the service. Found his feet at the bottom of a crowd and followed them all the way up to his sad eyes. I stared at the length and width of him for thirty heart thumping seconds until I could see it was my brother, until I could let it be my brother. I went ahead and told him even though it’s a punch in the guts under a kiss. It was a special occasion so we all went as other people.

In other news your hope might be restored to know there are bees out there that are not just buzzing. There are bees out there that caw.

May 19, 2009