Dear Ladies,
Men. MEN. Am I right? Whew. Still… Unless you want to vibrate yourself into eternity with that plastic dildo manufactured to resemble a woodland creature on Saturdays, you might want to have a look at what the men have to say.
Not Yours Either,
Dew
Contributors (in no particular order):
H-17
Grau Geist
Svaha
Art Carcass
Planet Jeff
Chico’s Machine Shop
Modern Primate
Don
Wolfshades
*Joe*
Harbinger
Fuzzywumpus
“I'll tell you one thing that women need to know. When a woman takes her tit in her hand and pulls it up to her mouth and sucks on it or licks it or whatever...not attractive. Not even remotely attractive. I only mention this because it seems to be a common go-to move for a lot of women when they're trying to be sexy.”
“Please don't ask me if your outfit makes you look fat when I'm in the middle of trying to seduce you. If I wasn’t hot for you, I wouldn't be trying to drag you back to my cave. Nothing is sexier than a woman with confidence. I'll take a self assured plain-Jane over an insecure movie star any day.”
“Size Matters for women too. If you've pushed out a kid or two, that hole can be a bit large. Kegels, please. Even they may not work. If I ask for anal, this may be the reason why. Even women without children can have this problem. True, if I had a gargantuan cock, this might not be a problem for me, but how many of us really have one, eh?”
“respect the balls. love them like your children. suckle from them like a cow's udders."
“The head of my cock is the most sensitive part, that's true, but I much prefer to have the shaft stroked at the same time. And don't ignore the balls and the ass.”
“The fact that you are a little fat here or a little fat there or a blemish here or there does not matter when I am going to fuck you. I am not perfect either. I'd like to see you naked with the lights on once in a while.”
“Sex for men, springs from the little head while sex for most women cums from the big head, and here lies the problem. Women think to much. You build romantic scenarios in your head then get disappointed if things don't go the way it was scripted in your head. You’re almost there and you get that look and say, "I lost it." Well find that fucker again! Chase it if you have too, there is an orgasm in there. When was the last time a guy almost got there, then it slipped away? Never, If a guy is even remotely close to the goal, he's there. Sometimes it is a good thing to not think so much and just enjoy the moment and to just feel and let the feelings take you there.”
“Just because this is the first time you've seen me this week without the laptop/TV remote in my hands doesn't mean it's a good time to talk about bills, summer camps or taxes. No, calling me a jerkface for not getting the taxes done does not count as talking dirty.”
“Ladies, we know that your little man in the boat must often be treated with sensitivity and often a feather light touch. So we know why you're doing the same with our Johnsons. One word: don't. Don't treat our tools too delicately. If you're holding it in your hand, clamp down on that sucker a bit. Pressure won't hurt us. Too light a touch and we'll lose blood flow. Slap that thing around if you want to - you won't hurt its feelings. I mean, you know how we often massage your boobies like we're going for a gallon of milk out of them? And you know how you have to tell us to slow down and take it easy with them? We do that because that's how we want our parts treated, and we make the mistake of thinking it's the same for you (which, if we're paying attention at all by now, we know it's not). Have fun with our parts. Bend it a bit. Let it slap back. Then get on top of us and grind for all you're worth. Oh - and thank you.”
"yes, I may very well have a small penis and be bad in bed, but if you're just lying there like a fucking deflated blowup doll, you're probably not all that great yourself, and there’s a good chance I'm going to spray you in the eyes."
“I'd like nothing better than to please you. It pleases me to please you. But if you don't tell me what you want, how do you expect me to know? If you're too shy to say it, a little nudge will do. Moan a little more when I get it right.”
“maybe try moving the odd time. It's a nice touch.”
"Yes, I know it gets really hard for you babe, and the harder the better for both of us... but it IS made of man meat and not granite, so please don't snap it off at the base with those impossibly angled wild gyrations?"
“Yes, the Catwoman suit IS necessary. Stop asking dumb questions and yowl a little more convincingly.”
“Men are 'pitchers' not 'catchers'. They will normally only submit to penetration once a year, by a bespectacled proctologist with unusually small hands.”
“It's all about attention. You want some attention, snuggles, intimacy, or whatthefuckEVER, just give ME some attention. Nothing over the top is required. You don't need to grease up and spin around a stripper pole, or twist up like a pretzel and put both feet behind your head and play Beethoven on the flugelhorn with your 'gina. Just a kiss on the neck, brush your hand across my butt and smile, whisper a cute, dirty joke somebody told you at work, and blush. It's not rocket science.”
“We don't mind if you fake your orgasms. In fact, a rather spirited, dramatic "orgasm" is quite the turn on.”
“If I don't cum, you didn't turn me on enough. If it took me a really long time, I had to think of someone else to finish. I'd rather not have to think of someone else while having sex. I could just jerk off instead.”
“Guys need foreplay too!”
“Testicles get lonely too....pay attention to them. Testicles however are not fruit. They should not be squeezed as such. You can tell their ripeness visually. When blue, they are at their ripest.”
"for christs sakes LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!! your vagina has more hidden crevices than the goddamn grand fuck canyon, and my dick does not come with GPS!"
“No matter how lousy in bed you are you'll never know it cause he'll never tell you as long as you're still banging him. He might tell you you're a lousy lay after you break up and he'll for sure tell everyone he knows.. but not while you're still willing to let him get some.”
“There are times that are for you and times that are for me. I can fake it (moan, talk, whatever) during your times, if necessary. Please fake it (if necessary) during my times too. The sounds you make add to my enjoyment.”
“Sorry about the finger in the (her) ass. It turns me on.”
“For cryin' out loud, just have some fun! Nothing is more inviting than sharing some FUN with the person you love. "The second best thing you can do together in bed is laugh." I don't know who said that, but it is genius.”
“No teeth, please. (Steal from the woman who wrote similar). If I am moaning or oohing and aahing - you have hit the right spot. Please don't stop or do something different. And, did I mention, NO TEETH!”
“Not too shocking: a guy will put up with a lot (A LOT!) if he thinks he's gonna get sex out of it. Your bad breath, pissy moods, embarrassing behavior, stupidity, annoying habits etc.. And this carries over into the bedroom. If you're not doing something just the way he likes or whatever...but he's still getting his rocks off? IT DOESN'T MATTER. He doesn't care. As long as you’re putting out for him. The second the sex stops, though, you will hear all about everything you do that bugs the shit out of him on a daily basis (so will everyone he knows).”
“Please slow down when I start to cum. All the nerve endings are turned up to eleven at that point. Too much friction causes overload and ruins the orgasm. Remember, I only get one.”
“When giving hand jobs, think 'golf ball washer' and NOT stick shift on a '69 Mustang.”
"I DON'T READ MINDS. - Please, please, please, for the love of Jeebus, Mary, Joseph and the wee little donkey: if it feels good - let me know. If it doesn't - let me know. A little to the left - nudge me over. Faster/slower/harder/softer/standing up in a hammock - let me know. Right on target - buckle up and hang on. I don't need GPS coordinates, I DO know where your clit is, I know how tab A fits into slot B. There's (at minimum) two of us naked here, let's do this right! The whole If I have to tell you it doesn't count shit will get us both nowhere."
“After it leaves my body I don't care what you do with it. I just know I don't want it back.”
March 26, 2009
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