Early on in posting this online writing journal blog of sorts the feedback led me to consider… what is it that I want??? It’s been kind that you don’t pull that particular curtain open on the wizard all that often. Thanks for that. It’s rather difficult to pinpoint specifics any more narrow than “everything” in my transition away from “anything- I’ll fucking take it.” But I haven’t forgotten - I love that.. When I write a bitchy blog and you say WHAT IS IT YOU WANT DEW??? :P As if I don't know I'm probably demanding the impossible. But knowing what I want.... It’s a work in progress. I thought I should update you.
I’m getting closer!! Not to having it. Not for keeps. Pish. *eye roll* Not outside of a dream or nightmare. I'm not sure yet. Not outside of a stolen, ambiguous possibly completely fabricated on the other end heartbreaking frustration. But I am closer to knowing what it is rather than just what it is not. And when I grab the tail end of it, when I dare to try and describe the intense wavy fusion of color and dark lined form of it at all most people say .. “OOOOOoooh! THAT’S what you want??? You can’t have THAT!” (tricks are for kids logic - I think) OR “You don’t want that.” Understandable I guess because admittedly it doesn’t seem to line up with healthy behavior really. Or “Of course that won’t work out you’re not following The Rules.” But what I want has it’s own fucking rules.
I’m a stubborn bastard. I’ll have what I want or I’ll die the white rabbit on the fruity fucking box chasing it down/sitting absolutely still waiting. I know what I fucking want. I don’t even have any idea of an exact shape that it has or a time line it would follow or any sort of something with it that girls are supposed to want like wedding gowns and picket fences and babies or combining finances or anything… I don’t have or know any of that with it or know anything outside of how it feels in the NOW when I‘m in it.
It’s not where I expected it to be. It didn’t suddenly appear after I put all the pieces together in a cookie cutter life with the person it should be with. It just showed up one day when it was least convenient and turned my life upside down. It's not right. It's not easy. It's not practical. But there it is.
Oh boy oh boy do I know what I want. But then… do I fight for this thing? Ask for it? Hope it appears again another time in the right package? I’m afraid to ask. I’m just kinda pretty sure that I shouldn‘t have to fucking ask. That if it’s there I wouldn’t have to fucking ask. The want I want isn’t unique to me, a person that loves me that way will want it too and want to give it AND actually want to give it to me. So maybe it's all in my own head. But I want it any way.
And knowing… knowing what I want makes it so much more boggling not to have it because it’s so fucking simple! I want wide open no matter what to the end never say die at any cost if it kills us life and self sharing and mutual appreciation ya know… Loooove. (no take backs) Not complicated. I mean it will be complicated. I’m complicated. People are complicated. Also my life is rather complicated. But that part… that part is simple. Scary and hard and possibly imaginary but very very simple.
And I won’t settle for any of the props. I won’t accept those in lieu of it. Not the ring or the dating or the wedding or the babies or the ten year marriage followed by the messy divorce rinse repeat until you end up in rockers on a west facing porch. It isn’t that I’m opposed to those.... It’s that I understand that they’re just props and costumes and nothing necessarily to do with what I want if they happen without what I want. Accessories shown are sold separately you know. And honestly? I can do all that shit on my own or even together with someone without what I want. I’m not saying I want to just that I don’t need what I want to do any of that.
And people say no it’s not like that, Love isn’t really like that. Well I call bullshit. You can’t tell me I can’t have it. I know it’s out there because I have it in me. And maybe it’s BECAUSE I’m entirely fucked up. Maybe it’s BECAUSE I have baggage. Maybe my flaws are what make me perfect for it.
And certainly I’m aware of my history. It isn’t that I’ve forgotten that my entire childhood was training for giving it all up in exchange for rare brief moments hoping begging and patiently waiting for some day in the future when I’ve earned what should already be mine, what certainly fucking feels like mine only to see it disappear with a bullet in the head.
So clearly what really isn’t easy is taking it from anyone else because everyone has their back-up gun in a drawer somewhere. It’s like I’m always issuing gift receipts. Like “oh you don’t want to actually do that. I know you think you want this thing with me but you’ll change your mind after you get done just wanting to fuck me or use me or whatever it is you’re doing, so you better take this in case you want to exchange me for a better fit without much fuss when you decide to admit that.”
I can’t figure out how to take it outside of that pulling me under dark pounding I‘m not allowed to keep. I’m still shocked and stunned over stumbling on that because you can know something is out there but until you’ve been up against it have no idea of it’s power …. I can’t even begin to imagine what that means for LATER. I can’t figure out how to believe. I can’t figure out how to stop believing. I recognize now. I can feel forever in that place but I never seem to get any say in when.
But I know damn well what I want.
November 25, 2009
No comments:
Post a Comment