He got the call just after one of those naps that doesn’t help. “Hello” my brother nearly growled into the phone before he was inundated with her chirpy bubbly voice. She used a mutual friends’ phone to call. He never would have answered with her name in the caller id.
“Do you know who this is?” she demanded cheerfully, the way only an ex from hell can pull off. Unbelievable, that she was calling him after so many years. He had gone out of his way to avoid her all this time and then a week or so before had accidentally run into her. Feigning an inability to recognize her didn’t fly and he knew it was just a matter of time after that unfortunate event before Smelly Kelly would contact him.
“Yes.” he admitted. “What are you calling for, because it’s your birthday?” he asked her with that gruff and gravelly mask worn over his voice. And it was her birthday.
He doesn’t know why he agreed to go over there. “free beer” he said and he even insisted that was it until finally he admitted the possibility of getting laid did occur to him. Still, when he arrived he was glad he brought his own twenty-four ounce of Coors (the tall boy) because they were drinking Miller genuine draft, a beverage that tears his insides up.
Of course, after having the Coors, the Miller wasn’t looking too bad after all so he went ahead and had five or six of those which led him to complain…. “Hey Smelly! I don’t like Miller.” he told her. She went and got Coors.
By that time the rest of the birthday party had left and he was alone with Smelly Kelly. Now, my brother isn’t necessarily any more intuitive about women than the next guy but when she took a shower and came out wearing only a robe before disappearing into her bedroom and then summoning him to join her he had to know what she was after. After walking in the bedroom and finding her buck naked and sprawled wide open on the bed in front of him no doubt remained. Two things: Smelly Kelly was drunk and Smelly Kelly wanted him, wanted him bah’ud. He stood there, leaning on the door frame, frozen in hesitation and finally he wandered over and got in the bed with her.
Nothing happened. “I wasn’t drunk enough” he told me. I think it was all part of his revenge plot. They hung out in bed awhile and he managed to achieve the level of drunk required to bed such a lady… only by this time SHE wasn’t drunk enough. And I imagine she was a little pissed off.
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I must interrupt myself right here. Tyler just said, rather sweetly “don’t make her sound dirty”
Ahahahahahahah that motherfucker is the one who TOLD me this story!! He said it like I’m making this shit up!!!! Ahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah!
“Besides, I did bring her a birthday present” he added. “A corona hat with a corona t-shirt that I bought for her four years ago. It’s been sitting there waiting for her in my closet.”
No. He won’t tell me the story of the break up. Clearly, it was ugly and painful.
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Feeling the sting of rejection Kelly finally asked “Are you going to go out on the couch or am I?”
“Well, I’m not getting on the couch so I guess you are.” he had the nuts to insist.
AND SHE DID!!! She got up and walked out of HER bedroom, leaving a guy DRUNK ON HER DOLLAR sleeping in HER bed… ON HER BIRTHDAY!!!!
That wasn’t enough for Tyler. Nope. Next morning he was up with the birds as usual and … the Miller had it’s way with his bowels. I won’t torture you with the details the way he tortured me.. Suffice it to say that the bathroom was made into a toxic war zone.
He was feeling guilty enough about that to straighten up some of the mess from her birthday party when she woke up and began screaming from the bathroom that someone had used her bathroom before her. That’s when he smoked half a pack of her cigarettes and made her give him bus money to get home.
Why am I telling you guys this???? BECAUSE HE WANTS TO CALL HER!!!!!!!!!
Am I the only one that thinks that’s a really BAD idea??? Also, a total waste of candy??
June 23, 2009
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