It's nine pm, I'm covered in sweat and grime and compost. It only just now became too dark to continue puttering around my yard weeding, planting, and generally fucking with mother nature. Holy Bajeezus I love summer, I love fucking mother nature. Wait what does that mean? Who cares it's true anyway. I should go shower away all the evidence of my efforts but I'm bubbling over and want to type this out before it slithers off and I feel blank again.
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Barely Related Aside--- (Skippable)
I saw a commercial about constipation the other day. It mentioned the fact that withholding the urge to relieve ones bowels can lead to trouble… Things just start backing up and backing up and nothing gives when you DO want it to. Now me, I have no troubles with constipation (knocks on wood) but I was thinking writing is the same way. And yes I carried this all the way through in my mind including details like activity and life events being the fiber but I won't bore you with the details… it's just too disgusting a metaphor to go on about any further.
You may now return to the regular blog.
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You see, folks I've been thinking while I putter. Communing with nature, in any form lends well to deep thought. Usually these thoughts are rather tranquil, and lead to a sort of live and let live attitude (for me anyway) but tonight I feel bossy instead. Luckily I have a blog where I can spout off and share my opinions, saving me the time and energy of passing out a mass produced flyer or screaming obscenities at my neighbors.
Alright I better give a disclaimer. This may be my blog but you, my dear readers, have YOUR opinions to consider and vent as well. That's fine and dandy, and indeed is what the comment section is for but allow me to quantify what is about to follow before you all crawl up my ass bawling about yer gorgeous yards and my high-falutin' ideas. I am in no way a garden expert. I have zero experience or professional expertise in landscaping, plants, design or taste or anything outside of my own personal research and preferences and experience with the yards I've played with. So…. do know that I'm humble and willing to learn more and/or hear contrary opinions but that I am also in no way in need of a garden expert to relieve me of my garden woes.
With that said……
What the fuck are you people thinking of in your yards? Seriously! What the hell is going on in your heads when you're …… you're…….. frick-a-frack I don't even know what to CALL what you're doing! That's wrong, I do know what to call it. It's shit. It's ugly. It's environmentally unfriendly. AND it's stupid! That's right, I said it. Your "lawn ornaments" might as well be set out next to a sign that says "I'm middle aged, over-weight and have given up on life in general". The numerous kite material whirly-gigs and infinite swinging tin wind chimes are ridiculous, not kitschy or retro or avant-garde……. STUPID. Your tropical tree in the wrong climate is STUPID! Your English Ivy is a goddamn hazard! Your acres of grass are mind numbingly boring! That giant fucking boulder teetering ON TOP of your tiny border flower bed is a joke. You don't deserve to have that rock! And for all the saints sake stop blowing yer refuse into everyone else's yard with that noisy useless contraption invented by the ultimate king of stupid.
Oh I know - It's personal now that I brought yer blower into it. You loooove yer damn blowers and yer plug in trimmers and yer ride on souped up mowers. Yeah? Blow me! I cut the grass with a push powered grass cutter. It's silent. (I don't count grunting since the birds don't) It works great. I can mow with my kids playing around me without worrying about knocking their eyes out with errant flying matchbox cars. Maybe someone who loves their blower can speak up in the comments and explain to me the usefulness of such an idiotic invention. Who looks at a bunch of debris and thinks 'Gee- I wish I could blow this shit out of my yard.' and never grasps the idea that you can blow shit all day and it's still there. Sure you moved it. So fuckin' what, now it's a pile of shit that needs picked up. Meanwhile you and your surrounding neighbors have lost the ability to hear anything under a full on shout. And you need to hear, 'Cause I'm the cute neighbor mowing the lawn in her bikini screaming obscenities toward you regarding your naughty lawn gnomes in various mis-matched sizes completely out of proportion next to the hunting practice Bambi lying under the aging azalea bush.
*pause for deep breath and possible readers hurt feelings to subside*
Over-all though, the big problem I see in all of our hideous yards are simple errors in judgment. For some reason people will do things in their yard that they would NEVER do inside their house. Example one; A door suspended in the middle of the living room. Guess what folks… an arch in a garden is a DOOR. Not a centerpiece. Unless you're going to march up and say your vows (yawn-so over-done) go ahead and save arches for entries. And if you put an arch up… grow something on it! The only statement naked trellis makes involves your name and the phrase "can't complete simple tasks". Obviously the same thing goes for lattice attached to houses, grow something on it dumb-shits! And while I'm at it, why do you think they call it a flower box? Hmmm? Yeah… that wooden coffin hanging off the front of the window is for flowers, fill it or R.I.P. it off. Example two; ugly utilitarian items in plain sight, such as air conditioners and their coils, external plumbing pipes, and power boxes. Would you put your fuse box above the fireplace mantel? Would you allow a plumber to place a pvc toilet drain pipe next to the bed in the master bedroom? What makes people think the rules change when they go outside? Sure, these items are unavoidable but they can be tucked away and not forced to take center stage.
Btw. I have some of these problems in my yard. Yup. Partly because of idiot assholes who came before me here. Now I have to make do with the situation, get creative in finding ways to hide their mistakes. It's still fun anyway. I just wanted to get all this out there in the hope that people will think before they plant a tree that's going to be forty feet tall under a twenty foot power line. I want them to hesitate before they pour a twenty by twenty foot slab of barf worthy concrete, or plant bushes too close to their house, never considering what it will be like to prune them in five years.
*sigh* this is way too long. We'll cover plastic and chemicals another day. Yeah umm they're both a don't.
***And if you're in Portland. Enough with the dwarfed Japanese maples. They look like obese red haired Cousin Its crouched around your otherwise bare lawns. I don't care if they are worth three hundred dollars (not that I believe that for five seconds, go ahead and try and find a buyer *snort*) they're outrageously out of place in your bland all-American water-waster of a monument to domestic grass yard. ***
Whew! Been awhile since I unloaded a bunch of bitter judging ranting. *grin* Why do I always wait so long?
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