You know when you first walk up to the counter at a fast food place? The bright colors meant to stimulate hunger, the dizzying array of dollar choices, the intoxicating odor of grease? The Man gets overwhelmed. Add to that the excitement of noticing they're out of already cooked fries and serious problems develop. See you're probably like I was, completely oblivious to what that means. Well allow me to inform you! If they've just run out of fries that means they have fresh hot fries in the grease RIGHT NOW and the next people to order fries are going to get those special, fresh hot fries. *clapping hands and squealing* I'm not kidding, he LOVES that shit.
So, swept up in the heat of that moment he forgets to say "No Mayo." This is at least two out of three times, people. And he HATES mayo. (Incidentally, I find that completely sane and don't eat mayo either.) So finally, after waiting for those brand new fresh hot fries to cook (takes forEVER) and sitting down to eat he's starving. This is because The Man can't remember to feed himself. I can understand that, I forget to eat all the time. The thing is if I forget to eat… nothing happens. When HE forgets to eat he transforms into The Hulk. So he's sitting there, giant, angry, hungry and green around the edges, pissed off that his soggy stack of meat and whatnot is slathered in mayonnaise. (aka fuck sauce)
Say this happens to me. Know what I would do about it? Nothing. Not a word. I would absolutely NEVER take it back. They could serve me a fucking filthy bowling shoe and there wouldn't be a peep out of me. Actually I was once served a salad topped with a bread twist tie and he and I argued about whether a complaint would be made all the way through desert. Because The Man takes shit from NO ONE… *snicker* by gawd he will not eat mayo he said no mayo and holy bajeazus he will tear the place down unless he gets a mayo free sandwich asap. Perhaps surprisingly I've only walked out of places on him a handful of times because he mostly quit throwing tantrums after The Giant Fight/Break-up of 2002.. 3? I wanna say 2.
Actually he doesn't even NEED to throw tantrums because people just do what he wants anyway. I've studied it closely cause clearly, I should have that power. Even though I think I've totally figured it out I still can't master it though. This is why I've settled for having HIM do what I want. Since there's only one of him I'll tell you guys the secret and maybe you can do it. He doesn't ask people. He tells them. Sounds simple but it's not. Like say I want a loan. I would need to talk to a loan officer and I would say "Hi, I'm interested in getting a loan…. If that's okay with you… I mean I don't want to trouble you… you know what? You look busy, I'll come back another time." HE would say "The is The Man McPeterman, tell me about the loan you're going to give me." I KNOW, so rude! But it works. As soon as I get rid of the invisible "please fuck with me" aura around me I'm going to be invincible!
And by the way, I don't take food back because there's no point. The absolute best outcome is another disgusting something from their combo menu and it's far more likely to be slathered in some sort of body fluid way worse than mayo. Plus I just don't take it personally, I know it's just some idiot teenager flipping the burgers back there. The Man secretly believes that the entire world is out to get him and that any day now everything good in his life will be ripped out from underneath him because he doesn't deserve it and the only way to keep a hold of anything is to fight for everything like it's your last stolen breath. But don't tell him that, he thinks it's just because he's tough.
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