Things I Discovered on the Road

Can you believe automotive has it's own category but there's still no family category? Or kids?? Or all the other shit we cram under "Life"?  Hmph!

 I went on a road trip with BigD and the three kids, !!!. My thoughts remain scattered so here's some more random.

Things I Discovered On The Road:

* Everything is better between eighty  and ninety miles per hour. Eating chips is better. Drinking dew is better. Music is better. I'm positive smoking is fantastic too but didn't do it. Even when everyone else in the car was sleeping and I totally could have gotten away with it AND deserved it considering we only stopped twice in 400 miles of driving and my entire body was aching by the time we crossed into Idaho and I discovered the rest stop just across the Snake River is STILL closed.  (I really should figure out how to use the cruise control in my vehicle) Also I think 100 is even better but didn't push my luck that far very often. See the problem with speeding is you get used to it and then you can't go back.  I'm sure there's a life lesson in there somewhere.

*When your kid is trying to calculate how long it will be until you get to the destination and asks how fast you're going and you say 80 and then they see the posted speed limit is 65 it's okay to say that's a guideline. I mean, why not tell them the truth? The only people driving 65 are the truckers and their speed limit is 55. RIGHT? *sigh* I'm going to spend a lot on driver's ed for her, huh?

* When you're trapped behind an asshole in the left lane who insists on driving the posted limit but still thinks they're going to pass the fifty trucks lined up in the right hand lane the best thing to do is wedge yourself with a smile and a nod between two semi's. Then, that jerk-off that's had the entire front axel of his tiny car shoved under your rear for thirty miles can go ahead and nose the asshole out of the way for you. Then just pull out behind them and wait ten miles for them to get tired of eighty and pass their stupid asses up.  Smirking is optional.

* BigD is tons of fun on the way TO the destination but pretty much sleeps all the way home. My favorite BigD moment of the journey was when Gawd dumped a Lake Mead size bucket of water on my windshield while I was trying to pass a semi in vapor cloud conditions leaving me completely blind for maybe a minute and a half. She actually fucking whimpered. WHIMPERED!!! Oh bajeazus it was funny. I laughed hard. You know, right after I asked her to pass the wipes since I had shit my pants.  Don't worry, I had done the exact right thing to do when you're driving and find that you're suddenly completely blind, I just kept driving fast. If anything I sped the fuck up.

* When you suddenly break out of a hundred mile silence by singing along with  "Unchained Melody" loudly and badly it's a pleasant surprise to hear the entire rear of the vehicle wildly applaud your efforts when you're done. It reminds you that you're not alone with the road and your melancholy thoughts in the middle of the desert.

* We had been on the road about an hour when Isabelle asked if we were almost there yet. Bwahahahah! Then she asked what exit number we would be taking. I went ahead and told her exit nine knowing that the numbers start over in the next state and the ones we were looking at were in the triple digits, going down. Ahahahaha! Blew her mind, it did! We also didn't tell the girls that the rear windows are tinted therefore giving all the truckers the honk please arm pump was futile. But the funniest thing we did to the girls happened on the way home and deserves it's own asterisk.

*We were in the Columbia Gorge, about an hour from home, the traffic going east runs alongside the traffic going west so the girls had started to chant as cars and trucks went by. They would say car if it was a car and truck if it was a truck. (HEY we can't just run the dvd player the entire freakin' time people, I need my tunes) so it got old and they were making up different things to say if it was a car, truck, or motorcycle so I told them to say SSSHHH if it was a car and IT if it was a truck. Ahahahahahah! Good times. Even little Thatch was doing it. BigD said "For shame", but she enjoyed it too.

Stay tuned, I'm working on "Things I Discovered About Bars In Small Towns" for tomorrow. That's right, sometimes Dew(ed) hits the sauce in shitty dives.