I Do Not

This marriage debate seems to be a revolving topic for me. It's the ducky in the tub; just keeps bobbing up again and again in it's cautionary yellow coat, with it's quacky grin and adorable life preserver taunting.

The people (fecking people) say  "You're already IN the tub! When will you just do it? What are you waiting for? Why NOT?"

It's a strange bit of human behavior that makes us validate our own actions by looking around to make sure everyone else is doing it too.  Oh except THOSE people. You know. The ones we don't want doing what we do and making it seem DIRTY.

No less annoying are the folks who want us to because it would fulfill their fantasy of the perfect relationship. They just want us to have our happily ever after, complete with white veil and train and not leaving out the large party with free alcohol for all the friends and family.

And now that The Man is completely confident I will not agree he can ask over and over and remain the steadfast knight just BEGGING to make me an honest woman. And I'm the asshole who says no.  No to signing a legally binding document&183; No to I do.  No to paperwork with fancy promises that are not even true NOW.

I stopped wearing the ring. The Ring. It hurt his feelings. It's also very small (compared to say a COUCH, it's actually a large ring) and easily lost in a move so I put it back on. On the right hand. Incidentally it fits my right ring finger much better, it's giant self doesn't roll around and scratch my other fingers as much. Anyway. It was my compromise. But you can't compromise on marriage, can you? You either ARE or you're NOT.

Here's the thing. I believe in marriage. I believe in vows. I believe in forever. I AM eternal. If I signed that document I would expect it to be true. If I heard those vows I would expect them to be fulfilled.  Until death did us part. Every moment that they were not true would slice through me and be shoved choking down my throat as is traditional with wedding cake.

Have you ever noticed there's a trick in it?  You each vow to love one another, in sickness and health, the bad times and the good, etc etc… But if one person does NOT. The other person is still stuck. Because that may just be the bad times they were talking about. And I would be stuck. Because I don't say a thing and not mean it. I don't quit. And I don't stop trying. Ever.

This does not mean I do not believe in The Man. Or if it does that's NOT what I'm driving at. I think it's more a lack of belief in the ability of humans to undertake such a thing. The audacity that so many sign those papers. Walk around sharing a name and then one day go back and sign other papers to make it all go away.

Well I say no. I do not. I am not. Married. I will not pull the plug if he's in a coma. I will not change my name. I won't share credit histories. I won't share property. I won't own The Man and he will not own me. I will not put up with anything I do not want to put up with on any given day.

Everyday that I am here, it is because I choose to be.