How to Take Your Kids Trick or Treating

How To Take Your Kids Trick-or-Treating

1. Start at a friends' house.  Then you can trick-or-treat your way home. Let them spike your cocoa with peppermint schnapps it isn't easy spreading Halloween Cheer these days. The holiday is on it's death bed. Laugh at the friend who's son claimed he just wanted to pass out candy but demands to join us when we leave. Let the friend laugh at you as you leave their house with their kid.  Bring at least one other adult with you for maximum merriment. I always bring my sister. We go way back with trick-or-treating.

2.  Dress Appropriately. It's usually super cold and often soaking wet.  I layer, tights, pants three or four shirts, a coat and some kind of costume on top. Yes, you should wear some kind of costume. It can be as simple as a hat.  I don't recommend masks.  You can't see. You can't eat your kids' candy and we all know you won't wear it for more than five minutes and then you will be forced to carry it. You people carrying your deflated mask heads around look like idiots. If you ignore this advice ( I did) and try to wear a mask, don't be afraid to leave it on someone's porch looking all spooky.  That just spreads the magic of Halloween.

3.  If you notice that the mob of annoying teenagers trick-or-treating just ahead of your youngsters is effecting the kids' haul feel free to loudly hustle your kids ahead of them.  I'm all for anyone willing to dress up taking part in trick-or-treating but the kids come first. Warning: when you shout at your three trick-or-treaters "Run ahead to the next house, come ..!" the teens are going to know exactly what you're doing and they may even remark about it. But don't worry; the little hussies' who didn't give you a friendly smile, respond to your polite hello or give your kids a chance to dodge their foul mouthed slut tea party in between houses won't have the balls to do anything about it.

4.  Teach your children the Halloween Code.
      
        The Halloween Code:
        1. Porch light off = don't knock
        2. Say "Trick or Treat"
        3. Say "Thank-you" and/or "Happy Halloween"
        4. No costume= No candy
       
5. Go ahead and stop the creep in the dark corner from scaring your kids if you know it will result in them crying. He's not going to like it when you turn, point at him and say "You better not scare my kids!" but he could hide better if he takes his job so seriously.  Bonus points if you make him feel better by letting him know there's a giant crowd of teens about to arrive.

6. Just like all the other holidays, consider this an opportunity to tell your children outrageous stories.  When we were exiting the drive-way of a home that chooses to spread Halloween cheer by blasting smoke into the neighborhood, my little friend Kaden (just turned five) said "Ewwwwww that stinks, that really stinks bad!"  I said "Kaden!" rather sharply.  Now that I had his attention I said "That's the smell of Halloween!"  There was some doubt in his huge eyes but clutching his bag of loot greedily he couldn't argue or I might take the bag for not believing.  Hey that's how Santa rolls.

7.  Be traditional. Every year we come back to our house through the dark, dark woods, down the super steep hill and across the track.  I tried to play a trick on the kids and get them to knock on the door of the pump house. They all moaned and groaned  at my lame attempt. Kaden said "No way! That place stinks more than Halloween!" 

8.  The kids are always surprised and disappointed that they cannot trick-or-treat at their own house.  Since The Man was home with Little Man we were all hoping he would still be awake but we should have known better.  I was going to slip in and then let them pretend I had been there all along and give them candy but alas we were locked out. So we all went to make ghost noises at The Man's window.  When I made it to the front door, The Man was already back in bed but the kids were giggling and one of them said "He's not wearing any clothes!" I told them that was just his costume.  They accepted this and didn't even ask what he was supposed to be.  Scary is good enough.

9. Half-heartedly check your kids candy even though you don't believe for one second that anyone poisoned it. This is your only opportunity to take inventory.  If you spot candy you know you will be tempted to steal make a list and go buy it the next day. Seriously.  Observe the way the candy is like money or collectibles to the children.  They organize it in elaborate ways and make deals with one another.  They are not kidding around here people.  When you take their candy you are stealing the very magic of Halloween from their hearts.

10.  Don't over-limit the kids' candy or you will just be ashamed of yourself in April when you find it on top of the fridge and have to throw it out.  With an otherwise healthy lifestyle, good dental hygiene and a common sense approach to sweets your kids will be fine if they have more than one piece of candy a day.