Not Today

I keep hoping someone will ask me; "You know what your problem is?"

Cause I do. Almost all of them. I would say all of them but I'm leaving room for error. Cause once in awhile I miss something major. Another of my problems.

But mostly. My biggest problem. Is.

Acceptance.

Letting Go.


Oh I fake it. I pretend. I'm fucking BRILLIANT at faking it. I fool myself sometimes!


But down below….. In the darkest ugliest places in me. I'm SCREAMING.

Cause it's not fair.

Cause I want MORE.

Cause it's MINE.

*stomps foot and cries*


As long as I can remember I've had this battle in me. This little bit of me that NEEDS to think that right wins, that true love can conquer anything, that somewhere in this mess of a life and world there's a reason, there's something that makes it all worth it at the end. The rest of me knows it's a bunch of shit.

I STOMP ON YOU LITTLE BIT! STOMP STOMP STOMP!

Because that little bit has hurt me more than anything ever.

And because the truth is. What I want has always been wrong. Gets more wrong with every passing day. Because the truth is. True love may not be what I thought it would be. Because THE TRUTH is that it may be that you can't know if it's worth it UNTIL the end.

And that's not today.